The Difference Between Sexual Intensity and Love

Generally speaking, people think that sexual desire and love are mysteries that will never be fully (or even partially) understood. In fact, throughout history countless poems and songs have alluded to the enigmatic and ephemeral nature of both.

However, thanks to scientists’ ever-increasing insight into human neurobiology — particularly the advent of functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) technology, which lets us see which parts of the brain are activated at any given time based on any given stimulus — we now know quite a lot about both sexual attraction and love. Put simply, thanks to fMRI technology, mapping and understanding the neurochemistry of things like sexual arousal and romantic love is a relatively straightforward endeavor.

Intense Romantic Love and the Brain

One well-known fMRI study looked at the brains of men and women who said they were intensely in love. A series of scans monitored the neurological activity of these test subjects as they viewed photos of their beloved and photos of a familiar but not beloved person. The results clearly revealed the following:

• Intense romantic love activates dopamine-releasing regions in the brain, such as the striatum, which is part of the brain’s “pleasure center.” Dopamine release is a major component in the neurochemical process that allows us to experience enjoyment, pleasure, satisfaction and more.

• Intense romantic love also activates regions of the brain associated with the motivation to acquire a reward — primarily the insula, which “gives value” to pleasurable and life-sustaining activities, thereby ensuring that we continue to engage in them.

Based on this study and several similar studies, scientists have concluded that romantic love is a goal-oriented motivation state. This means that people in love are motivated to be with their loved one because being with that person causes a high level of neurobiological reward (i.e., pleasure). So basically, we want to be with the person we love because it feels good.

The Connection Between Sexual Desire and Love

At this point you may be asking: What about sex? After all, we generally want to be sexual with the person we’re in love with, but sometimes we also want to be sexual with people we’re not in love with (and maybe even people we’ve never even met). So what connection, if any, is there between sexual desire and love?

Unsurprisingly, scientists were also curious about this. One rather extensive study analyzed the results of 20 separate fMRI trials, each of which examined neurological activity while subjects were engaged in various tasks, including viewing photos of their beloved, viewing photos of familiar but not beloved individuals, viewing photos of strangers, viewing pornographic photos and more.

After pooling all of the data, researchers were able to map the ways in which both sexual desire and romantic love activate the brain. They found the following:

• Both sexual desire and romantic love stimulate the “pleasure center” (striatum) of the brain.

• Romantic love activates the “value center” (insula), whereas sexual desire doesn’t.

From this we can surmise that sexual desire and romantic love are related but different. Both activate the brain’s pleasure center, but only romantic love activates the portion of the brain that causes that pleasure to become meaningful in a lasting way.

Where Sexual Addiction Comes In

This information is actually quite useful from a sexual addiction standpoint, as many sex addicts tend to confuse sexual intensity with love. Essentially, they meet someone new and they hop into bed right away and all sorts of fireworks go off and they think: “This person in the one.” But eventually, and usually sooner rather than later, the sexual intensity fades and disappointment sets in, causing the addict to seek yet another partner and a new set of fireworks. In this way, we see that sex addicts are hooked primarily on the pleasurable “rush” of sexual intensity and they don’t stick around long enough for the assignation of value (i.e., love).

Fortunately, with effort and hard work, recovering sex addicts can learn over time to amend their behavior and experience real and lasting love. In other words, sex addicts can learn that sexual attraction and desire are great relationship starters, but they’re not the end-all, be-all of being with another person.