Interventions with Active Sex Addicts

In a previous blog we discussed the signs of sexual addiction, which can help you to spot active sexual addiction in friends and family members. But what do you do when you spot several of the primary indicators and think a loved one may need intervention? Usually, the best thing you can do is talk with that person openly and honestly, without being judgmental. Before doing this, though, you may want to consider the following steps:

1. Gather as much factual information as you can about what the possible sex addict is doing and how it is negatively affecting his or her life, your life, and the lives of others.
2. Talk to other people who are close to the possible sex addict to get their take on the situation, understanding in advance that they may or may not be aware of the issues that you have spotted and find troubling. If you think it will help, you can build an alliance with family and friends, eventually talking to the potential sex addict en masse rather than individually.
3. Consider in advance how the possible sex addict is likely to respond to any conversation about his or her sexual behaviors. If you think a confrontation may be contentious and/or unproductive, consider hiring a professional interventionist. Make sure that the interventionist is knowledgeable about sex addiction.

No matter what, you need to understand that sex addicts, like other addicts, do not want to be confronted about their behaviors. In fact, even addicts who know they have a serious problem and need help will usually resist. However, if you truly care about someone you will persist despite that person’s reluctance and potential anger.

Usually the best way to confront a possible sex addict is to start out by saying you are concerned about his or her wellbeing, and you think there might be a problem. Then you can list a few of the concrete, undeniable facts that are causing you to worry. Be specific and (if possible) nonjudgmental.

• “Last week when my laptop battery was low I used yours to check my email, and I found several thousand porn videos on your machine.”
• “Our credit card statement shows that you rented a cheap motel room eleven times last month, even though you didn’t travel anywhere.”
• “You told me you were spending the weekend at a convention in Cleveland, but when I looked online I found out there was no convention.”

After presenting the factual information that is causing you concern, you can tell them that although you love them dearly, you are no longer willing to sit idly and watch while they ruin their life and the lives of the people who love them. Then you can offer to help them find sex addiction treatment and/or a 12-Step sexual recovery program such as SAA, SCA, SLAA or SA. After that, it’s pretty much up to the possible sex addict as to whether he or she wants to accept the help you’ve offered.

With or without the assistance of an intervention specialist, the end goals are the same:

1. Let the possible sex addict know that you care about him or her.
2. Let the possible sex addict know that you are worried (and why).
3. Let the possible sex addict know that you will no longer co-sign or support his or her destructive sexual behaviors.
4. Let the possible sex addict know that you hope he or she will accept the help you are offering.

It is important to remember throughout this process that you cannot get well for another person. Nor can you create in that person the motivation needed for recovery. The choice to get well or not is the addict’s and nobody else’s. No matter how badly you want this person to recover, no matter how great your love for this person, you can’t magically make it happen. When and if the possible sex addict decides that he or she wants help, that help is available in abundance. But until that time the best you can do is to voice your concerns and stop enabling the addiction.

If you find yourself struggling with this process, you may wish to attend S-Anon or COSA, both of which are programs for loved ones of sex addicts. In these programs you will meet other concerned, loving people who are trying to live a healthy life while dealing with another person’s sexual addiction. Sure, you may wonder why you’re the one getting help when it’s someone else who has the problem, and this is a perfectly natural reaction. If and when you have it, just remind yourself that you’re in a difficult situation, even if you didn’t cause it, and you deserve support and self-care that will make your life better.