Advice for Dealing With a Spouse’s Sex Addiction – Part 1

Upon their happy wedding day, no one expects to one day discover a spouse’s hidden addiction. While an alcohol addiction is difficult to hide, sex addiction can persist for years in secret. Porn and sex addiction are especially painful because, unlike alcoholism or drug addiction, there is inherent betrayal. The emotional and perhaps physical infidelity that accompany sex addiction shatter any sense of mutual trust, constituting betrayal and inviting destruction on the marital covenant.

The spouse of a sex addict is left without a roadmap. The marriage and their years of interaction are called into question. The doubts and fears and uncertainties flood the mind. How long has this been going on? What did I do wrong? Is our marriage salvageable? Will it always be like this? Sex addiction is not only dangerous for the addict, but for the spouse as well. Many, after learning of or dealing with a spouse’s sex addiction, begin to display symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder. Both partners will need help in dealing with and, hopefully, recovering from the addiction and its effects.

Grief Is Normal and Healthy

Discovering a spouse’s sex addiction is a deep emotional blow. The mind is wracked with the stress and anxiety of doubt and questioning and the heart is overwhelmed by pain and fear. While some spouses may react with rage, others find themselves numb. There is no one right response to such a situation.

The first thing to understand is that your emotions—whatever they might be—are both valid and healthy. Regardless of how your spouse may try to downplay the issue or invalidate your concerns and emotions, you must allow yourself to feel your feelings. Sex addiction is betrayal at a deep level, whether or not intercourse with another partner has taken place. In order to deal with the issue, you will be best helped by allowing yourself to grieve.

If home is not a safe place to deal with your grief and your emotions, then make plans to meet with a trusted friend or counselor. Despite the stigma attached to sex addiction and the fears you may have about bringing the issue into the light, don’t try to go through this alone. If you don’t feel comfortable bringing trusted family or friends into your struggle, seek the guidance of a professional.

Guard Yourself

Discovering and confronting a partner’s sex addiction is painful and highly stressful. You will feel betrayed, frightened, angry, uncertain, anxious and perhaps emotionally raw or numb. You need to take care of you. It is essential that partners find outlets for the stress and pain. Look for activities that provide release or go to places where you feel safe. Spend time with people who affirm and support you.

Guarding yourself also means you can’t be the police officer. This is not your role and unfortunately many partners go almost to the point of obsession trying to monitor and manage the addict. Don’t do this. An addict will either choose to get help and stop, or not. You can’t be the parent looking over his shoulder every time he logs on to the Internet or goes into the office and closes the door. The addiction needs to be dealt with and trust needs to be rebuilt, but neither come through spying, acting suspicious or attempting to control.

It is wise for partners of sex addicts to seek personal counseling regardless of whether the addict agrees to couples counseling. Whether the non-addict spouse recognizes it or not, the presence of an addiction in the home is a contagion that affects everyone in its path. Seeking professional help can assist the non-addict in understanding how to better interact with the addict, how to conceptualize the addiction, how to set proper boundaries and how to emotionally deal with the situation.

Many spouses will grill the addict for details of escapades or accounts of the extent of the pornography consumption. They see this as a means of getting everything into the open so that trust can be reestablished. The addict, if he or she is ready to recover, should be willing to answer any questions that you ask. But you should decide for yourself how much you really want or need to know. Many spouses bring excessive heartache on themselves by desperately seeking any and all information. If your spouse has committed to recovery and to working toward rebuilding the marriage, you may not need to know every sordid detail of the addiction.

Continued in Advice for Dealing with a Spouse’s Sex Addiction – Part 2.