Fighting the Good Fight in A Recovering Relationship

By Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S

Looking away as tears trickled from her vibrant blue eyes, Miriam discussed a recent fight with her spouse Joe.

"I’m afraid we aren’t going to make it. When he’s angry, Joe says that he is not sure we can stay together out and I get so afraid that he is going to leave for good." Peeling back long denim shirtsleeves Miriam revealed several angry red scratches running lengthwise on her forearms. "This time, when he started telling me to back off, that he needed space, I moved toward him and tried to hold on to him physically. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want him to go – and he scratched me trying get away. It didn’t hurt, but it bled a lot. Maybe it was wrong, but I thought that by somehow holding him I could keep him with me long enough to calm him down and help him understand my point. Instead, he just got more upset and fought to get away from me. That hurt more than the scratches."

Next to alcoholism, drug addiction and financial problems, domestic violence is one of our cultures most prevalent relationship concerns. Unfortunately many men and women have difficulty expressing their anger and frustration, some resorting to physical expressions of their feelings. Hitting your lover or being hit by them in anger is never acceptable. The law is quite clear about these issues and those who do lash out physically can get arrested if reported. Beyond physical violence, there are many ways to shame and frighten a spouse that are also unacceptable. Throwing and breaking things, pinning someone to a bed or wall, refusing to let someone leave by blocking a doorway or stalking someone by foot or car are all forms of intimidation that indicate a serious problem needing immediate attention. Verbally threatening to kill or hurt yourself or your spouse when upset is also a form of emotional blackmail that warrants immediate help. Relationship violence should never be ignored and if not dealt with will always return in one form or another. If this kind of thing is going on in your relationship you don’t have to fix it on your own and you don’t have to be ashamed. Find a professional to speak to right away, most community mental health centers and private therapists have resources for dealing with this extremely destructive, but highly treatable problem.

Though we all want connection and understanding from those we love and no one wants to feel abandoned it is better to let sizzling emotional situations cool down and return to them later, than try to force a resolution or opinion and risk escalating an already tense situation. Lovers argue. People who care about each other sometimes fight and healthy fighting (not an oxymoron) is a form of intimacy that over time can bring people closer. Healthy intimate arguments are not that difficult to negotiate, but they do involve sticking to a few clear rules designed to keep you both on track and playing fair. Below are some suggestions worth posting on your refrigerator for the next time …

HEALTHY FIGHTING RULES

• Try to run your disappointments or upset by a friend, clergy or therapist before taking them to your spouse.
• No physical contact of any kind when angry.
• No name-calling, devaluing, cursing or other verbal abuse.
• No interrupting – let the other person finish what they have to say.
• Repeat back what you just heard, even if you don’t agree with it. Make sure you understand what they are saying.
• Don’t make threats that you do not intend to carry out and especially don’t threaten abandonment. Don’t say, "I can’t take this anymore – I am leaving you," unless you really mean it. Do say, "I am so frustrated I feel like leaving." The first is a threat; the other is an expression of emotion.
• Don’t follow the other person around to fight, block doorways or otherwise restrict their freedom – always give them person space if they want it.
• Be willing to agree that you don’t agree and/or don’t forgive – at least in the moment.
• If you need to leave or take some space from the fight, say just that, "I need to take some time out, I’m going for a walk and I’ll be back in an hour." Always make sure to say where you are going and when you will return.

Keep in mind that being known and understood fully by your spouse is what creates intimacy in the deepest sense. So if you communicate even difficult things in ways that just leave you and your mate angry, frightened or unheard, you are moving in the wrong direction. Done in an honest, healthy manner – the expression of your angry feelings is a gift to the growth of your relationship.