An Interview with Terry Gatewood, Treatment Specialist

People struggling with sex addiction often feel alone and ashamed, as though no one could possibly understand all that they’ve been through. Then they meet Terry Gatewood, a treatment specialist at the Sexual Recovery Institute (SRI). Kind and insightful with a sharp sense of humor, Terry has a unique ability to relate to his clients.

Terry knows what it’s like to feel like damaged goods, to lose family and friends, and to feel that there is no hope for the future. Originally from Oklahoma City, Terry discovered he was HIV positive at the age of 23. Doctors gave him one to two years to live. When he was diagnosed with cancer a few years later, he found himself in a very dark place. Sex and drugs became his escape from dealing with his medical issues and past trauma, including experiencing the Oklahoma City bombing in 1995.

Thanks to treatment, Terry’s life took a positive turn. He got sober in March 2005, and one year later, he and his husband loaded a Ryder truck, their pick-up and two dogs and drove to California, where Terry earned his master’s degree and began his career as a forensic social worker working with offenders who had been mandated for treatment.

Since 2009, Terry has worked in SRI’s Two-Week Intensive Program (Intensive Program). He stumbled upon SRI through his work with crystal meth addicts, a number of whom raved about the treatment they received for sex addiction at SRI. He met with Rob Weiss and Sharon O’Hara, who recognized his passion for this work and offered him a job. Drawn to the program because of its national reputation and collaborative treatment team approach, Terry accepted the position and never looked back.

Rebuilding Relationships

In addition to group lectures and individual therapy, Terry does Couples work at SRI. At the Intensive Program level, couples are often in crisis. Discovery of the sexual acting out has often just occurred and emotions are intense and wide-ranging. Many years ago, Terry found the challenge of Couples work unnerving. Today, it’s one of his favorite parts of his job.

In one exercise, called “I See You,” Terry calls on each partner to hold the other and look deep into their eyes in a way that says, “I see you, hear you, acknowledge and honor you.” Seeing the connection made in this very intimate moment can be incredibly powerful, he says.

He also draws on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to help clients understand their spouse or partner’s need for emotional safety after experiencing the betrayal of sex addiction. In addition to feeling angry and outraged, partners grieve the loss of the relationship they thought they had, Terry explains. Rebuilding trust takes time and a great deal of effort, but once the process is set in motion, the couple can build up to intimacy and belonging, and later, a spiritual connection and self-actualization.

“Clients sometimes struggle to understand their spouse or partner’s feeling that they are no longer safe. They reason, ‘I’ve never hurt them or put them in danger,'” Terry says. “But emotional heartbreak is just as devastating as physical pain or a broken bone. If it was as easy as putting a cast on, our jobs would be so much easier.”

Terry also uses the Four Agreements and the 12 Steps to help sex addicts and their spouses/partners develop a common language and a common understanding. It can be liberating for spouses/partners to recognize that the problem is not about them personally, but rather the sex addict’s underlying issues. Partners also develop a process for dealing with any issues of their own. At the same time, sex addicts learn how to make themselves vulnerable despite their fears and to love themselves for who they are, imperfections and all.

Addressing Trauma and Co-Addiction

From personal and professional experience, Terry knows that most sex addicts have a co-addiction of some kind, whether to drugs, alcohol, gambling or another substance or behavior. Since sex is one of the primary reasons people relapse into drug or alcohol abuse, the team at SRI works in a collaborative effort with substance abuse treatment centers to identify and assess clients for sex addiction. Coordinating this care increases the client’s chances for successful recovery. While recovery from addiction is the primary goal of treatment, Terry aims higher, to “help clients live their best lives and truly be happy, whatever that means for them.”

With more than 20 years of experience working with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender issues, Terry has a particular passion for helping gay men figure out what sobriety is and how it can work in their lives.

“So many gay men have endured intense shame and trauma simply because of their orientation,” he says. “To see them soften their own self-hatred and make a transformation is truly inspiring.”

Terry is not one to hide his feelings. He is visibly moved by his clients’ heartbreaking stories of trauma, as well as their courage in working toward recovery. Given the strong association between sex addiction and trauma as well as his own trauma history, Terry is beginning training in Somatic Experiencing to help clients fully address these issues.

A Man with Many Hats: Therapist, Advocate and Teacher

A former political consultant, Terry is a strong and passionate advocate who lends his voice for those who have been silenced. He’s also a natural-born teacher.

“In this field, we’re as much teachers as we are therapists,” Terry says. “At first it can be difficult for clients to identify with one another instead of focusing on their differences. That’s where we step in to help them realize how a wide variety of addictive and compulsive behaviors can have the same roots.”

Once they recognize themselves through the stories of their peers, the shame associated with sex addiction lessens and the process of change begins.

“Almost immediately after treatment starts, we see a marked reduction in shame. Clients see people with similar problems talking openly, and not only are they not judged or rejected but they are celebrated for their courage,” Terry says. “Like a mood ring changing color, clients at SRI start out a dull grey and within days we see the brightness come back in. They are no longer in treatment because of an ultimatum from a spouse or partner, but because they feel worthy of a better life.”