A recent study from the University of Ontario is looking more closely at the subject of sex drive in committed couples, with results published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. The findings are in contradiction to long-held beliefs that sex drive goes downhill for both men and women as the relationship gains in age.

Using a tool called the Female Sexual Function Index, 170 participants worked through questions to determine a ranking on the index. Researchers noted that as each month went by, a measurable decrease in sexual interest seemed to occur for the women. They concluded that the amount of time a relationship has endured is a stronger link to sexual satisfaction than other factors, like the state of the relationship.

Another finding many may find surprising from the study is that men who experience a drop in sex drive are reluctant to talk about the situation – which can reflect mainstream beliefs toward masculinity and sex.

The findings could also have implications toward research on sexual addictions, because more men than women are believed to experience the powerful and consuming addiction. As the relationship progresses over the years, sex drives may not match up and may require more creative efforts and more communication.

If the need for additional stimulus to generate sexual interest prompts people to begin using online pornography or other tools, especially without their partner’s knowledge, they may be at higher risk for sexual or pornography addiction.

As a result of these statistics and the rampant availability of pornography through Internet-based technological tools, parents are urged more than ever to learn everything they can about how their child’s devices operate and learn ways to block their children from accessing pornography.

National speakers, like Donna Rice Hughes, leader of the Enough is Enough program, are helping parents understand how real the threat is and how to prevent their child from viewing the materials or developing a life-destructive addiction. Part of the Enough is Enough curriculum is courses on creating and managing a safer Internet space across the platforms children and teens use – such as smartphones, iPads and computers.

At a recent "Power of Prevention" workshop, addressed in a KSL News article, parents were surprised to learn exactly how children can view porn online, either intentionally or by accident, and to learn more about its addictive potential. They were also taken off guard by how young children are viewing it and the reality that much of the viewing happens in the home.

Creating effective limits on children’s Internet use and continuing to talk about the dangers of Internet pornography to children are some of the ways parents may help their child steer clear of the materials. Others may consider adding an Internet filter or other safety measures to all of their Internet capable devices.

Every couple’s experience of sex addiction and recovery is deeply personal and depends on their unique situation. Still, there are a few concerns shared among many of the couples we treat at the Sexual Recovery Institute:

My Spouse Is a Sex Addict. Is My Marriage Doomed?

If the sex addict is willing to work a program of recovery, there’s great hope for these relationships.

When you think about how prevalent sexual compulsivity is in our society (porn is a 13 billion dollar business, 40% of Internet searches are sex-related, and 30% of Craigslist revenue is related to adult services), it’s clear that a significant number of people have sex, porn and intimacy problems. Most are not dealing with them.

Couples that do walk through this experience together and have an interest in reconciling actually give themselves a great opportunity for a whole new kind of intimacy in their relationship. Intimacy involves sharing yourself with another person and having them fully know you, and also being willing to see and accept your partner in the same way – the good, the bad and the ugly.

Although many people think intimacy means sex, physical intimacy is just one piece. When a couple goes through something that hits at such a tender level, they gain intimacy with themselves as well as each other. They learn how to look inward and identify what they really feel and need in any given moment rather than compulsively turning to sex or any other addictive behavior. They also learn how to start talking about the difficult topics.

Those partners who are willing to get treatment learn a great deal about themselves and what attracted them to a sex addicted partner. Whether or not they decide to work on the relationship, the process can be deeply healing on a personal level.

Is My Spouse’s Sex Addiction My Fault? Did I Do Something to Make This Happen?

Your spouse’s sex addiction is not your fault. Most sex addicts struggled with sexual compulsivity long before they got married.

The causes of sex addiction are poorly understood, though a combination of genetic and environmental factors are likely involved. Research suggests that sex (and the pursuit of sex) affects the reward centers of the brain in similar ways as food, drugs and alcohol, making it exceedingly difficult for a sex addict to stop acting out without treatment. It is also important to note that a significant number of sex addicts experienced childhood trauma, often in the form of physical, emotional or sexual abuse, neglect, or growing up in a dysfunctional or addicted home.

Just as you did not cause your spouse’s sex addiction, you cannot cure it. The best way to support recovery (yours and theirs) is to focus on meeting your own needs and setting healthy boundaries. Getting involved in S-Anon or COSA 12-Step groups for partners of sex addicts and participating in both individual and couples counseling can help both partners address the issues underlying sex addiction and the trauma spouses of sex addicts experience.

What Should I Tell Other People About My Spouse’s Sex Addiction?

There is still a great deal of stigma surrounding sex addiction. Sex addiction is about 50 years behind alcoholism in terms of social understanding, awareness and stigma. For this reason, spouses should exercise discretion in deciding with whom they will share this very personal information, especially in sensitive settings such as the workplace. You can freely share and receive support in 12-Step groups for partners for sex addicts, or talk with a spiritual advisor or therapist.

If you decide to share with family and friends, only share with supportive, understanding people you know you can trust with your confidentiality. When in doubt, remain vague. For example, if asked a direct question you can simply reply, “We’re having trouble in our marriage and aren’t quite ready to talk about it yet.” This is your marriage, your personal and sexual life, and it’s really no one else’s business.

How Do I Explain My Spouse’s Sex Addiction to My Kids?

Although it may come as a surprise, discussing a spouse’s addiction can be a teachable moment for children. There is a way to be honest without oversharing or frightening the child. Of course, any conversation must take into account the age and best interests of the child. In general, it is wise not to offer more information that the child is requesting.

Rather than basing the conversation around sex (most kids don’t want to know about their parents’ sex life anyway), parents can say, “Dad lied to mom and is getting some help to figure out how to keep from lying again. Mom is feeling sad but she’s talking to people who are helping her feel better, too.”

There are a number of important considerations when talking with a child about a parent’s sex addiction. Stay tuned for another blog post dedicated specifically to this topic.

What questions do you have about recovery from sex addiction? What has helped you?

You didn’t cause your partner’s sex addiction, but there’s no question your life has been turned upside down because of it. Partners often describe feeling lost, angry, horrified, inconsolable, and worried for their own health and the well-being of their family after finding out about their spouse’s sexual addiction. There’s no question that this may be one of the darkest times in your life.

The moment of discovery or disclosure of a partner’s sex addiction can spark a chain of traumatic experiences that are strikingly similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Whereas a war veteran may experience a life-threatening incident, for the partner of a sex addict life as they know it has been threatened. The partners we work with at the Sexual Recovery Institute often meet the majority of the diagnostic criteria for PTSD, including:

• Re-experiencing the traumatic event through flashbacks, nightmares or distress when reminded of the event (e.g., being distressed by the appearance of a redheaded woman in a movie if their partner acted out with a redheaded woman)
• Physical symptoms when reminded of the event, such as anxiety, nausea, sweating and tension
• Efforts to avoid people, places, feelings and activities associated with the trauma (e.g., avoiding a social gathering where people might know about a partner’s sex addiction)
• Diminished interest in previously enjoyed activities
• Feeling detached, numb, or unable to experience love or joy
• Inability to remember aspects of the event (e.g., forgetting the entire week when they found out about their partner’s sex addiction)
• A sense of foreshortened future (e.g., feeling they will never have the marriage or family life they thought they would)
• Emotional reactivity, often in the form of mood swings or angry outbursts
• Difficulty concentrating or sleeping
• Hypervigilance (e.g., compulsively checking email or a partner’s whereabouts) or being easily startled
• Impaired social or occupational functioning

Picking Up the Pieces

I lead a weekly group for spouses and partners at the Sexual Recovery Institute and have seen firsthand the immense suffering that results from sex addiction. As part of the healing process, we recommend that partners take the following steps, among others:

Self-Care. Partners cannot control the actions of their spouse, but they can control their own choices. To combat enabling and other problematic patterns, partners need to focus on their own program of recovery and self-care practices, which may include yoga, exercise classes, hobbies or reaching out to friends. Partners often benefit from attending 12-Step meetings, such as S-Anon and COSA, and seeking individual counseling.

Boundary-Setting. After a shocking betrayal, it takes time to restore a sense of safety and control. Part of recovery involves setting and holding clear boundaries, a process that helps partners develop a sense of “where you end and I begin.”

There are two main types of boundaries: physical and emotional. While physical boundaries are marked by our skin, emotional limits depend on age, roles, our relationships with those around us, our requirements for safety, and our choices about how we want to be treated.

Examples of physical boundaries include choosing:

• Who can touch me
• How and when I am touched
• How close people come to me
• When I back away from someone who invades my personal zone

Examples of emotional boundaries include:

• Setting limits on what people can say to me or how I speak to them
• Allowing healthy, safe expressions of anger but refusing to engage with people who exhibit inappropriate displays of anger
• Determining the range of personal comments I’ll accept from others and stopping sexual comments or remarks from men
  Partners must make clear which behaviors will not be accepted, and if the boundary is violated, follow through with a predetermined consequence. For example, a spouse may choose to sleep in a separate room for a period of time. If the boundary is not respected, the partner may need to take a step back from the relationship in some way.

Rebuilding Trust. At the point of discovery of a partner’s sexual addiction, words don’t mean much. After all of the lies and breaches of emotional and possibly physical safety, spouses wonder: Who is this man/woman? Do I even know him/her? If they’ve lied about this, what else are they lying about? Will I ever be able to trust again?

The process of making amends and rebuilding trust unfolds over time as the partner sees changes in the sex addicted partner. Recovery is an active process that involves fearlessly telling the truth even in the face of disapproval, going to meetings regularly, sharing feelings (even the shameful ones), and reaching out to others instead of isolating. Each of these is a sign of progress – and hope for the future.

As traumatic as it is, acknowledging the problem is the start of recovery for both partners. The sooner the partners can address the betrayal and subsequent trauma, the better their chances of finding the answers they need to decide on the future of their relationship.

Dr. Juergen Rehm, director of social and epidemiological research at the Center for Addiction and Mental Health in Ontario, Canada, set out to design a study that would prove a causal relationship between alcohol and unsafe sex. Before this study, it was not known whether drinking too much caused unsafe sex, or if people who drink too much simply have personality traits that lead them to drink too much, have unsafe sex, and otherwise engage in risky behaviors. Dr. Rehm and his colleagues conducted 12 experiments to prove that alcohol affects decision-making and this effect increases with the amount of alcohol consumed.

"Drinking has a causal effect on the likelihood to engage in unsafe sex and thus should be included as a major factor in preventative efforts for HIV," Dr. Rehm said. "This result also helps explain why people at risk often show this behavior despite better knowledge – alcohol is influencing their decision-processes."

The study included 12 experiments. The most interesting one was the trial in which Dr. Rehm chose participants at random and then divided them into drinking and non-drinking groups, and then later tested their intentions to take part in unsafe sex. Dr. Rehm’s team found that for each 0.1 milligrams per milliliter increase in blood alcohol level, a person’s chances of having unsafe sex increased by 5%. The unsafe level of alcohol was about four drinks for women and five for men.

"The impact rises with the amount of alcohol consumed," Dr. Rehm wrote. "The more alcohol that participants consumed, the higher their willingness to engage in unsafe sex."

This study appears in the Journal of Addiction.

Marked by bouts of high-energy, intensity or grandiose ideas and euphoria, patients with bipolar disorder experience periods of mania followed by periods of depression-like symptoms. A handful of research studies, as discussed in an article in BP Magazine, point out that as many as one-fourth to two-thirds of patients with bipolar disorder may also exhibit symptoms of hypersexuality during their manic episodes.

For many patients, the phrase "hypersexuality" may help understand and manage their sexual behaviors that become problematic, frustrating and consuming. The article explains one patient’s story, which after living with bipolar disorder where she also had episodes of high sexual activity, finally began to understand that the hypersexuality may be a part of the mania from her existing bipolar disorder.

Rather than considering hypersexuality as of a list of symptoms related to bipolar disorder, psychologists and therapists may want to look more closely at a patient’s sexual behaviors and give the issue more emphasis as they pursue management of the bipolar disorder. Hypersexuality can include obsessive thoughts about sex, an inability to stop masturbating or to stop having sex with several people despite the consequences.

While behaviors related to hypersexuality are only one area of symptoms a patient with bipolar disorder may exhibit, they also carry some of the highest emotional costs and may lead to the destruction of careers, finances and families, as well as risks such as STDs and unwanted pregnancies.

Psychologists are encouraged to ask more questions related to sexual behaviors when working with patients with bipolar disorder, and to help the patients overcome feelings of guilt or shame associated with the behaviors so that more accurate and effective treatments can be given. The questions are also extremely important to help prevent patients with bipolar disorder from developing a sexual addiction or pornography addiction.

Many patients who seek professional treatment for mood-related disorders, substance abuse or problems controlling impulsive behavior are found to have the symptoms of a sexual addiction or sexual compulsivity, according to a recent research article. In some cases, people may look for help when they can no longer control their sexual behaviors, even when the behaviors mean the destruction of their homes, families or careers – a similar situation to people who seek help for addictions to substances or disorders related to impulse control.

At the core level, sexual behaviors related to sexual addiction serve a similar purpose as other addictions. Rather than being focused on sexual pleasure, the acts become a way to get away from deep-rooted emotional distress or negative feelings. However, the resulting emotions of guilt, anxiety and shame often aggravate the situation to even more life-debilitating levels. Sexual addiction becomes a cycle the patient can’t escape without professional intervention, and can be rooted in a combination of factors and behaviors.

For example, sexual behaviors that are compulsive in nature can also be further categorized as paraphilic (actions outside what is considered normal for sexual activities) or non-paraphilic. Paraphilic sexual behaviors may include pedophilia, exhibitionism or certain types of fetishism. Non-paraphilic sexual actions can include frequent sexual encounters with multiple partners, recurring prostitution services or overuse of pornography.

Experts believe patients seeking help for sexual addictions can benefit from being screened for the presence of both paraphilic behaviors and non-paraphilic behaviors in order to gain the most comprehensive knowledge possible toward the unique and personal triggers related to a patient’s sexual addiction, and to determine the most effective treatment strategy.

"Valentine’s Day is the only American holiday especially for couples," says Sharon O’Hara, MFT, the clinical director at The Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles. "If you’re not in a romantic relationship, you get all these media messages from the rose, chocolate, diamond and card sellers that you’re missing out on something important (which turns out to be roses, chocolates, diamonds and cards)."

The media sets up our expectations for this magical day. "If he loves you, he’ll buy you diamonds." So if he gets you a card, does that mean he doesn’t love you? What if he doesn’t particularly like being forced to declare his love on what is, essentially, a made-up holiday?

A Brief Valentine’s History

"Valentine’s Day as we know it grew out of the artistry and marketing talent of a woman card-maker named Esther Howland who designed lacy cards full of cupids in the 19th century for lovers to give to one another," explains O’Hara.

There were also rumors of a St. Valentine. Historians have come up with three possible Christian martyrs named Valentine, but the Catholic Church could never decide which was the real deal. So in 1969 the Church dropped St. Valentine’s Day from the official list of Saints Days. There is a legend, O’Hara recounts, that one of these Valentines was a priest who secretly married young men to their sweethearts in defiance of Roman Emperor Claudius II, who thought that unmarried men were better warriors. So Claudius had him beheaded.

In ancient times, there was a Roman festival held on February 15 called Lupercalia, at which time a young man would draw the name of a young woman in a lottery and then keep her as a sexual companion for a year. The festival lottery is said to have lasted for 800 years until Pope Gelasius I was less than enchanted with this rite celebrating the god Lupercus (Latin for "wolf"). So in 492 the Pope substituted St. Valentine’s Day on February 14 by suggesting a lottery where the young men would draw out the name of a saint, whose life they were then supposed to imitate for a year instead of getting to be romantic with a pretty girl.

Over time, the romantic element crept back into Valentine’s Day, says O’Hara. Eventually February 14 evolved into a day when lovers would court one another with handwritten messages of admiration.

Falling in Love with Love

Throughout history, there have been variations on the theme of frustrated romantic expectations. Often, people fall in love with the "high" of new love – what O’Hara calls the chemistry of limerence, after a book called Love and Limerence written by Dorothy Tennov. Whenever a relationship reaches the inevitable point when troubles arise, some people experience a type of withdrawal from this druggy state.

"Newness is one of strongest drugs there is," O’Hara explains. "People want the 24/7 high of new love and when that wears off, they are often quick to move on to the next relationship. And so begins the cycle of love addiction."

What Is Real Love?

Dr. Harville Hendrix, in Getting the Love You Want, describes the "pink cloud" phase of a relationship. For anywhere from about three weeks to three months, the couple is "in love," a magically altered state of reality, believing they have found their perfect match. After this period, the couple discovers not so wonderful things about one another. This is where real love distinguishes itself from love addiction.

"Real love starts with how the couple handles their first serious disagreement or disappointment," says O’Hara. "A relationship is really one giant series of negotiations in which each individual must figure out how they can hold their connection to their partner while leaving room for differences."

At a recent training O’Hara attended, sex addiction expert Dr. Patrick Carnes shared his thought process surrounding whether or not he should consider a new relationship after the death of his wife. Rather than asking who would enhance his life or make his retirement the most blissful, as one might suspect, O’Hara and other attendees were pleasantly surprised to hear him ask, "Who might I like to struggle with?"

To O’Hara, this sentiment encapsulated what it truly means to be in love. Contrary to what romantic movies have told us, "love is not about finding that one person who can make us feel better about ourselves, who we can brag about to our friends, or who will fulfill our Playboy sex kitten or rock star celebrity fantasies," she says. "It is about finding a person who can struggle alongside us, hopefully with a little grace and humor."

No One Right Way to Love

Real love can come in many forms. O’Hara notes that some happily married couples who have maintained committed long-term relationships sleep in different bedrooms or live in separate homes. Regardless of these differences, healthy relationships do share a few common themes. For example, real love maximizes connection and minimizes differences. It also allows each person to be fully themselves.

O’Hara recommends asking yourself, "When it comes to communicating with your partner each day, both verbally and nonverbally, are you more critical or more positive? Do you look for and comment about what’s wrong or what’s right with your partner?"

"An important measure of real love is acceptance of your own flaws as well as your partner’s foibles," O’Hara says. "This is in contrast to addictive love, in which one or both partners cling to a fantasy about who their partner is and keep trying to make their partner fit that mold. They are in love with the fantasy rather than seeing their partner for who they really are."

Of course, some issues cannot be accepted and must be "taken to the mat," according to O’Hara. At these times, both partners must hold a certain amount of respect in the negotiation process, recognizing that all of us come into relationships with emotional wounds and traumas from our family of origin.

Create the Relationship You Really Want

Most people fall somewhere in between the two extremes: They are not love addicts, but there are aspects of their relationship that need improvement. We can transform our intimate relationships, says O’Hara, by recognizing that we’ve all been conditioned by society to objectify ourselves and others, sexually, financially or otherwise.

"Instead of seeing the whole person, we see only what they represent," says O’Hara. "For men, this is often a woman’s appearance or the size and shape of her body parts. For women, this is often the size of a man’s bank account."

When you come up against tough times, view it as an opportunity to develop intimacy skills rather than running as fast as possible into the arms of a new romantic partner. The earlier problems are addressed, the better the chances of preserving the relationship and coming out the other side closer to your partner.

How do you build intimacy skills? Therapy is often helpful, but O’Hara says it boils down to "learning whose business you are in." This concept is based on the work of Byron Katie, who describes three kinds of business: mine, yours and the world’s. O’Hara explains: "Whose business is it if your partner looks at porn? Your partner’s. Whose business is it whether or not you want to live with someone who looks at porn? Yours. Whose business is it that porn exists in the first place? Let’s call it the world’s."

Similar to the Serenity Prayer, the key is focusing on the things you have control over and accepting the things that you cannot change. Being mentally "out of your business" only leads to emotional suffering for you and your partner.

Perfection Not Required

No one engages in a relationship with another human being perfectly. And fortunately, perfection is not required, on Valentine’s Day or any other day of the year.

"Being human means being both imperfect and worthwhile," says O’Hara. "When we embrace both of those qualities in our partners and relationships, we take a giant step closer to welcoming real love into our lives."

Recent articles, such as a post from Generally Thinking, are addressing the compulsive and controlling nature of sexual addiction, as well as the ways the addiction destroys lives. While some people may believe their frequent thoughts about sex constitute an addiction, sexual addiction carries marked symptoms:

• Inability to resist thoughts or compulsive urges toward sex, even when they are unwanted
• Loss of ability to perform at work or in the home due to continuing, obsessive thoughts about sex
• Disconnecting from work, family and other relationships to pursue sexual behavior
• Increasing need for more intense, more frequent or more bizarre sexual experiences to achieve a "high"
• Inability to control looking at sexual materials in places like work, or inability to stop engaging in sexual behaviors in inappropriate settings even when consequences are known

Sexual addiction can be referred to as sexual compulsivity, hypersexuality or other terms, but treatment and recovery requires professional help – similar to other addictions to drugs or alcohol.

In contradiction to stereotypes, many people with sexual addiction say the behaviors are no longer pleasurable, but instead are associated with strong feelings of guilt and shame afterward. Recent research is also looking at how the behavior may start out as an inability to control a sexual impulse for many people, but then as the addiction progresses, the behavior meets criteria for being classified as addictive.

Although the term sexual addiction is not included in discussions surrounding the forthcoming Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the term "hypersexuality" is in discussion for inclusion. Growing bodies of research are comparing the ways patients’ brains with sexual addiction respond to other addictions, such as drug or alcohol behavior, to further understand how the complex addiction is connected to the brain’s reward system.

People with sexual addiction may seem to live "normal" lives, but their thoughts are obsessive and uncontrolled about sex. Even in the midst of successful careers and managing an active home life, they may be unable to stop themselves from seeking sex with multiple partners, viewing online pornography or paying for sexual services. The sexual acts typically represent an escape or a release from negative emotions, rather than being focused on sexual pleasure.

On the contrary, many people report feeling intensely guilty or shameful after engaging in a sexual behavior – yet the addiction progresses beyond their control, and many seek more intense and more extreme sexual materials or encounters.

Many times, the sexual addiction progresses in secret because the addict has learned how to conceal his or her behaviors, often times for fear of the shame of the behaviors being discovered. Like addictions to alcohol or drugs, experts believe people with sexual addiction may have changes within the brain’s reward system that require professional help to get to recovery.

Underlying many sexual addictions are also lifelong and painful problems with building close personal relationships with others, which can be manifested in sexual behaviors.

Experts and researchers continue to strive toward more information and more solutions for the millions of U.S. adults who suffer from sexual addiction, and urge people to understand that there’s no set "look" for a person with a sexual addiction. The addiction, like many others, affects people from all walks of life, genders and social classes.

With professional help from trained experts, many people with sexual addictions learn to divert their cravings toward alternate behaviors and return to their quality of life.