Sexually Addicted vs. Sexually Codependent

The perfect romantic drama—a billion dollar industry in film and a perennially popular book genre for women—has the right amount of desire, the perfect portion of sex, and far more fantasy than fact. These dramas turn on women finding and maintaining power while managing to reveal themselves as vulnerable in a way that doesn’t put men off. Popular culture is rife with women, household names, some of them legendary icons, whose personal trade is upholding the picture of male longing and female aspiration—from yesterday’s Marilyn Monroe to today’s Scarlett Johansson. These stories and these stars are so popular perhaps because they are vessels of a cultural obsession about what a woman should hope for, be and come to possess.

Four Tips to Avoid Picking an Addict

If you frequently have trouble with relationships, and continually seem to find yourself trying to make something work with an addict of one stripe or another, it’s tempting to place the blame elsewhere. “It’s just bad luck,” you might say to yourself, or even “Why can’t I just find a nice, dependable guy?” Although it might not be what you want to hear, the problem may actually be how you choose your partner, not some cosmic run of misfortune. This may especially be an issue if you or somebody in your family has a history of sex addiction, and sex addiction therapist Dr. Linda Hatch has some key tips to help you avoid making the same mistakes with your next choice of partner.

Symptoms of Sexual Addiction Include Feeling Numb Toward Partner or Spouse

Fixated, compulsive, obsessed with thoughts about sex and finding the next partner – these can be described as hallmarks of sex addiction. There are also surprising symptoms associated with sex addiction, a progressive addiction believed to affect more than 12 million adults in the U.S.

Because of negative associations with sexual addiction, many may live in secret with serious, chronic symptoms for years – destroying families, careers and lives.

Symptoms of sexual addiction may include:

• Inability to control or resist urges to engage in sex, even in public and inappropriate places despite consequences.
• Obsessive, consuming thoughts about sex that the person cannot stop, and sometimes reflect bizarre and unwanted sexual experiences.
• Feelings of escape or avoidance of negative emotions associated with having sex, similar to how a person living with alcohol addiction would relieve stress through drinking.
• Repeated strong desire to seek out the next sexual encounter, either with multiple partners, strangers or even paid sexual services.

While these symptoms are increasingly becoming more widely known as the condition achieves higher levels of formal diagnosis and recognition, there are other symptoms of sexual addiction that may be less known.

Lesser-known symptoms of sexual addiction:

• A loss of desire for sex with a partner or spouse. The person may feel “numb” or detached from typical sexual situations. This is also accompanied by a lack of pleasure or joy in the act of sex.
• Sexual performance problems. Over time, changes occur at the brain level related to pleasure centers and sexual performance when sexual addiction is present, leading many to develop sexual performance problems.
• Increase in other obsessive behaviors, such as compulsive gambling, drinking or eating. These disorders may occur simultaneously with sexual addiction – especially as the feelings of stress, shame and guilt of the sexual addiction grows stronger.
• Compulsive masturbation, which can occur in public or inappropriate places.

While symptoms of sexual addiction may vary, the condition can last for years if untreated. Professional help is required to identify the triggers and prepare a lasting plan for recovery.

‘Don Jon’ Shows Numbing, Distancing Effect of Porn

A recent movie about porn addiction is capturing national headlines, but not for the sheer nature of the complex addiction itself. Rather, critics are talking about how the movie “Don Jon” portrays the nature of addiction as a force that separates individuals from genuine emotional connections.

Written and directed by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who also held the starring role in Don Jon, the movie is noted for its parallels in story to the numbing effect of pornography addiction in a person’s real-life. Repeated, emotionless sexual scenes are shown during the first parts of the movie, including online porn and sex with multiple partners, allowing viewers to catch a glimpse about how porn addiction really is less about the sex and more about the escape or numbing-out factor it provides.

The Consequences of Sex Addiction

People with sex addiction often describe the same types of feelings – hopelessness, trapped, angry, frustrated and depressed. In contrast to stereotypes or movie portrayals of sex addiction, the condition is anything but funny or pleasurable. For the nearly 16 million Americans believed to have sex addiction, it’s a life-destructive problem that’s progressive in nature and difficult to talk about. It also occurs with rising frequency among both genders.

Methods of Denial Used by Addicts to Avoid Confronting Sex and Intimacy Problems

It’s not uncommon for recovering substance abusers to struggle in their personal relationships. This is because chemical dependency has been their true love, making it difficult for them to invest in other people and experience real intimacy.

Many recovering addicts substitute the high of falling in love for the void left by drugs or alcohol. But sex and love addictions have the same sort of root cause as substance abuse. According to information presented by PsychCentral, individuals working through dependency often use one of several methods of denial to avoid dealing with intimacy and sex issues.

Intimacy Anorexia

“Intimacy Anorexia” is term that was coined by Dr. Douglass Weiss of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs. Intimacy Anorexia means to withhold intimacy from relationships, most specifically romantic relationships, but it may extend to other familial relations like with children or parents as well. Often those who suffer from Intimacy Anorexia have sex/love addictions as well. On Dr. Weiss’ website, he estimates that 29% of male sex addicts also suffer from Intimacy Anorexia and that 39% of female sex addicts do. His study also found that 39% of the partners of sex addicts have Intimacy Anorexia. Intimacy Anorexia is also highly prevalent in those who play the role of the “Love Avoidant” in love-addicted relationships.

Approach-Avoidance Conflicts for Love Avoidants

Approach-Avoidance Conflicts are very important for anyone interested in understanding the behavior of a Love Avoidant in love-addicted relationships. A Love Avoidant is someone who both fears intimacy and abandonment and generally forms romantic partnerships with codependents or Love Addicts. Love Avoidants commonly also suffer form Intimacy Anorexia and Narcissism. Their behaviors surrounding love, romance, sex, and relationships almost always involve Approach-Avoidance Conflicts.

Desire For Sex And Satisfaction; Linked to Level of Partner’s Insecurity

People who want to have a strong sexual desire and a great sex life may want to set aside concerns about their level of physical fitness or even their level of sexual know-how.

A person’s level of security within their relationship with their intimate partner is a strong factor in sexual satisfaction, says a recent study. Additionally, people who show a controlling nature within the relationship may not have as much desire for sex, nor be as happy with their sex lives.

Statement regarding Tiger Woods and consequences of serial adultery on spouses

Robert Weiss, Founding Director of the Sexual Recovery Institute, issues statement regarding Tiger Woods and consequences of serial adultery on spouses

Despite well-intentioned advice from friends and families, expert on sexual addition says that spouses and families affected by infidelity should not take action right away unless faced with physical or psychological harm.