Gay Men and Sex Addiction

Once upon a time, gay men searched for sex on notorious street corners, in public parks and restrooms, in adult bookstores and theatres, in the steam room at their local gym, and, in larger cities, in certain bars and clubs. Today, however, gay men search for sex in much safer and significantly less public venues. Hustlers are found on dating and “escort” websites, porn of every ilk imaginable is readily available on the Internet, mutual masturbation occurs via webcams, and casual or anonymous hookups occur via smartphone “friend finder” apps. And in many respects Western gay culture strongly encourages such activity, perhaps as a positive (out and proud) reaction to growing up in a shame-based, homophobic society.

Symptoms of Sexual Addiction Include Feeling Numb Toward Partner or Spouse

Fixated, compulsive, obsessed with thoughts about sex and finding the next partner – these can be described as hallmarks of sex addiction. There are also surprising symptoms associated with sex addiction, a progressive addiction believed to affect more than 12 million adults in the U.S.

Because of negative associations with sexual addiction, many may live in secret with serious, chronic symptoms for years – destroying families, careers and lives.

Symptoms of sexual addiction may include:

• Inability to control or resist urges to engage in sex, even in public and inappropriate places despite consequences.
• Obsessive, consuming thoughts about sex that the person cannot stop, and sometimes reflect bizarre and unwanted sexual experiences.
• Feelings of escape or avoidance of negative emotions associated with having sex, similar to how a person living with alcohol addiction would relieve stress through drinking.
• Repeated strong desire to seek out the next sexual encounter, either with multiple partners, strangers or even paid sexual services.

While these symptoms are increasingly becoming more widely known as the condition achieves higher levels of formal diagnosis and recognition, there are other symptoms of sexual addiction that may be less known.

Lesser-known symptoms of sexual addiction:

• A loss of desire for sex with a partner or spouse. The person may feel “numb” or detached from typical sexual situations. This is also accompanied by a lack of pleasure or joy in the act of sex.
• Sexual performance problems. Over time, changes occur at the brain level related to pleasure centers and sexual performance when sexual addiction is present, leading many to develop sexual performance problems.
• Increase in other obsessive behaviors, such as compulsive gambling, drinking or eating. These disorders may occur simultaneously with sexual addiction – especially as the feelings of stress, shame and guilt of the sexual addiction grows stronger.
• Compulsive masturbation, which can occur in public or inappropriate places.

While symptoms of sexual addiction may vary, the condition can last for years if untreated. Professional help is required to identify the triggers and prepare a lasting plan for recovery.

Healing Female Sexual Addiction in a Culture of Shame

We don’t have sufficient data on the precise number of female sex addicts seeking treatment for hypersexuality or pornography addiction, but the number of women falling into this group is believed to be growing. As more is learned about female sex addiction and the needs of female addicts seeking treatment, more women are coming forward.

Stereotypes and Media Reports May Keep Women with Sexual Addictions from Seeking Help

In a figure that’s surprising to many, one of the nation’s leading experts on sexual addiction – Robert Weiss, director of the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles – said up to 12 percent of individuals who need help working through sexual addiction are women. However, many more are believed to have the complex and destructive conditions, but are hesitant to look for professional help.

Dealing with Shame and Guilt As a Result of Addiction pt. II

How do you work through feelings of guilt and shame?  First, you identify what those feelings are.

You feel guilt over something you do. If you tell someone a lie, you may feel guilty.  You can overcome those feelings of guilt, however, by apologizing or making amends.  Think of guilt as a moral conscious:  If I know I’m going to feel guilty after I’ve done something … I might be less inclined to do it.

Dealing with Shame and Guilt As a Result of Addiction

When clients first come in for treatment, they initially have some confusion over the concepts of SHAME and GUILT.  They report having feelings of both but are unclear on just how they differ.