Does Sexual Infidelity Get People High?

A significant percentage of sexual addicts are married or in some other type of long-term committed relationship, and most of the time they and their partner have agreed to be monogamous — a vow that sex addicts routinely ignore. Usually these men and women say that they love their significant other, and that they don’t want to lose their relationship, yet they cheat, and cheat, and cheat again. They look at and masturbate to online pornography, they engage in sexual acts via webcam on video chat sites, they hire and have sex with prostitutes, they have one-night stands, multiple affairs, and more. And nearly always they rationalize their betrayal with some form of the following lie:

I’m not hurting anyone, because my spouse/partner doesn’t know what I’m doing.

This lie is patently false, of course. At the very least, cheating spouses tend to distance themselves — physically, emotionally and sexually — from their partners, and their partners sense this. So even if a betrayed spouse doesn’t know exactly what’s going on, he or she nearly always intuits that the relationship is not what it once was.

Interestingly, this all-too-common lie, in addition to facilitating sexual addiction by serving as the backbone of the addict’s denial, may also factor in to the addict’s “high.” Consider a recent study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology which found that instead of feeling badly (shameful, guilty, etc.) after cheating, as most people think they will/should, many individuals actually feel pretty good about themselves, provided they “get away with it” and believe their actions are “victimless.” In fact, this positive response to cheating was so prevalent among test subjects that the research team created a name for it: the cheater’s high.

Admittedly, the study in question looked at people who cheated on math, logic and word problems, rather than sex addicts who cheated on their significant others, but the two primary criteria for feeling the cheater’s high — getting away with it and seeing the behavior as victimless — are in place either way. (Sex addicts often go for years before they slip up, and, as mentioned above, a primary facet of their denial is thinking that they are not hurting anyone.)

The authors of the study state:

“The idea that unethical behavior can trigger positive affect is consistent with many anecdotal accounts of dishonesty, theft and fraud. These accounts include wealthy individuals who delight in shoplifting affordable goods, joy-riders who steal cars for the thrill and fraudsters who revel in their misdeeds.”

The researchers also listed three primary ways in which cheaters derive psychological benefits from their (supposedly) victimless behaviors:

1. Cheating provides social, financial or other gains (raises at work, better grades, the satisfaction of “winning,” etc.), and these windfalls are triggers for positive affect.
2. Cheating creates a greater sense of autonomy and influence — i.e., circumventing rules gives cheaters an increased sense of control, thereby increasing positive affect.
3. Cheating often involves the challenge of “beating the system,” and the mental gymnastics involved in that can make life more interesting, triggering positive affect.

Once again, sexual infidelity fits neatly into this package:

1. Windfalls: Sex addicts feel as if they can engage in more (and possibly more exciting) sexual activity.
2. Autonomy: Circumventing relationship rules and constraints allows sex addicts to feel a greater sense of control over their sexuality and intimate connections.
3. Beating the system: Secretive sexual philandering is never easy, and sex addicts often feel a sense of accomplishment when they pull this off.

Nevertheless, the reasons for sexual addiction and sexual infidelity are deep and varied, and the cheater’s high is likely only a small part of the equation. After all, sexual addiction, like other addictions, is less about feeling good and more about feeling less. In other words, addicts (of all types) use their addiction primarily as a way to avoid feeling stress and other forms of emotional discomfort, including things like loneliness, anxiety, depression, shame, etc. Furthermore, research tells us that most addicts have a family history of addiction or another psychological disorder and/or a history of complex early-life trauma. Knowing this, the cheater’s high is probably not the driving factor for sexual infidelity as a part of sexual addiction, though it may well play a role.

Furthermore, a sex addict’s reasons for cheating are far less important than the addict’s current and future behaviors. Yes, it can be helpful for addicts to understand why they behave the way they do, but it’s not necessary for recovery. In fact, many sex addicts are able to establish and maintain long-term sexual sobriety without ever understanding the root causes of their addiction. For this reason, early treatment of sexual addiction focuses on the here and now — on behaving differently in the moment — rather than on looking at and resolving past issues. (Childhood trauma and other underlying factors are typically addressed later in the recovery process, after the addict has firmly established sexual sobriety.) Nevertheless, the more that sexual addicts know about what motivates their behavior — including the fact that sexual infidelity may cause them to feel good not just during, but after the sex act — the better off these individuals will be.