The Shame That Lies Behind Serial Cheating
Amber, who felt unloved as a child, is trapped in a cycle of cheating. She’s ashamed of her behavior, yet cheats again and again in order to feel better. By embracing the painful emotions of her past, Amber can learn self-love and self-acceptance and begin to break free from her destructive behavior.
Amber cheated in every relationship, even on her fifth-grade boyfriend. (She kissed another boy in their class while they were “going out.”) Even though most of her affairs are sexual, she says it isn’t about the sex. There’s something about the excitement that comes from getting to know someone new—flirting and chatting and receiving attention. There’s an adrenaline rush. The newness and excitement are compelling and draw her in again and again.
Relationships grow old and stale quickly for Amber. She begins to feel bored and restless all too soon. She envies her friends who seem to have the ability to make it last, to uphold loving, long-term bonds. But she’s never been able to do it.
Amber was raised by her father and stepmother, with whom she never got along. Her mother died of breast cancer when Amber was 4, and while he loved his daughter, Amber’s father was extremely permissive, never setting boundaries or checking in with Amber to see that she was doing well in school or coming home on time. Her friends thought this arrangement was wonderful, but Amber felt disconnected and unloved. She needed her father to reach in and support her, even if it meant giving her a curfew and consequences for bad grades. She needed him to stand between her and her stepmother to ensure they were communicating and not screaming. Instead, he sat on the couch and pretended it wasn’t happening. They never spoke about her mother or her mother’s death and everyone was expected to move on.
Recently, Amber accepted a marriage proposal. The romance started while Amber was attached to someone else, but Henry is everything Amber thinks she needs—he’s smart, successful, witty, a good cook. The trouble, of course, is that Amber doesn’t want to get married if she’s only going to cheat on Henry. It’s been seven months and so far, she’s done OK. There have been a few slips—flirting with strangers through Twitter and on Facebook—but nothing physical. She wipes her phone and email and changes her passwords regularly, but wonders about the price of cheating. Will she ever be able to truly love?
Shame Is Unique to Humans
The prairie vole selects its mate in a 24-hour period and together, they build a nest and raise their young and do not part until death. But scientists are discovering that prairie voles (and other monogamous mammals), just like humans, cheat. Both male voles and female voles step out on their partners, and it’s likely that they do so because genetic variety is good for offspring, and for a species.
Humans are somewhat like prairie voles except that we hold culturally enforced expectations. One of those great expectations is around monogamy—a popular tenant of Western society, but one which is not especially practiced worldwide. The Ethnographic Atlas calculated 1,231 societies, yet only 186 were considered to be monogamous. Of those, serial monogamy was frequently practiced, however unintentionally. Despite monogamy’s infrequent practice, social mores reinforce it; men and women (but especially women) are shamed if they do not adhere to it.
Shame and Addiction
It is this element of shame, sometimes referred to as the master emotion, which frequently mirrors childhood pain and often traps individuals in a cycle of cheating: They feel ashamed of cheating, and cheat again in order to feel better. This cycle can begin a process of addiction. Sex and relationship addiction are, at base, an intimacy disorder.
All people who cheat don’t necessarily experience sex or relationship addiction. There are other reasons women like Amber might cheat: feeling invalidated or ignored; craving intimacy; feeling lonely or bored; and never having felt loved or valued. For someone like Amber, it is likely that all of these reasons come together to create the intimacy disorder she deals with, and there are many like her who remain unaware that their condition is an addictive process that is treatable. To recover from addictive sex and end serial cheating, it is necessary to address the shame and other painful emotions that have been carried for too long. This process makes recovery from sex addiction unique and sometimes difficult, but for those who go through with it, the effort can be especially liberating. Embracing one’s demons allows for a whole new level of self-acceptance and self-love.