Generally speaking, people think that sexual desire and love are mysteries that will never be fully (or even partially) understood. In fact, throughout history countless poems and songs have alluded to the enigmatic and ephemeral nature of both.
If you frequently have trouble with relationships, and continually seem to find yourself trying to make something work with an addict of one stripe or another, it’s tempting to place the blame elsewhere. “It’s just bad luck,” you might say to yourself, or even “Why can’t I just find a nice, dependable guy?” Although it might not be what you want to hear, the problem may actually be how you choose your partner, not some cosmic run of misfortune. This may especially be an issue if you or somebody in your family has a history of sex addiction, and sex addiction therapist Dr. Linda Hatch has some key tips to help you avoid making the same mistakes with your next choice of partner.
Once upon a time, gay men searched for sex on notorious street corners, in public parks and restrooms, in adult bookstores and theatres, in the steam room at their local gym, and, in larger cities, in certain bars and clubs. Today, however, gay men search for sex in much safer and significantly less public venues. Hustlers are found on dating and “escort” websites, porn of every ilk imaginable is readily available on the Internet, mutual masturbation occurs via webcams, and casual or anonymous hookups occur via smartphone “friend finder” apps. And in many respects Western gay culture strongly encourages such activity, perhaps as a positive (out and proud) reaction to growing up in a shame-based, homophobic society.
From the time she was 8 until she turned 12, Astrid had been abused by her mother’s husband. He was violent with every member of the household, and sexually abusive with the two girls—Astrid and her older sister. He held the family on lockdown for years, recording their phone conversations for “evidence” to use against them, and actively surveilled the girls and their mother. When she was 13, Astrid’s mom left her stepfather with the help of a community organization, and after the family got back on their feet, Astrid felt more secure and less vulnerable. Her mother never mentioned everything that had happened, but the girls were both grateful that she’d gotten them out.
During high school, Astrid began acting out sexually. She always had a boyfriend, someone older and already out of high school, but she cheated frequently. She became notorious among her peers and when labels like “slut” and “whore” descended, Astrid responded by increasing her sexual behavior and openly flaunting it. She wanted to appear defiant, as if she was in absolute control.
It is difficult to go through life’s challenges alone. That is why researchers from the United Kingdom were so encouraged by a recent study that says that most partners of those with mental illness are understanding, supportive, and have a great impact on improving the life of their partner.
Sex addiction is a complicated thing. Many experts would even refrain from using the term addiction, as they believe it applies to substance abuse only. However, all experts would agree that it is possible to become obsessive about sexual behaviors and to have a strong and destructive compulsion to seek out sexual activities. Some professionals prefer to call this hypersexual disorder.
One of the difficulties that nearly every sex addict who opts for recovery encounters, usually sooner rather than later, is telling the people in his or her life what’s going on. The simple fact is most people have little to no understanding of what sex addiction actually is. In fact, a lot of folks think it sounds like fun. You, of course, know that it isn’t. In fact, it’s as devastatingly un-fun as full-blown alcoholism or drug addiction, with consequences that are every bit as severe. So what do you tell your spouse, your best pal, your boss, your parents, or whoever it is that needs to know that: a) you’re making some major changes; and b) why you’re doing it?
People with sex addiction often describe the same types of feelings – hopelessness, trapped, angry, frustrated and depressed. In contrast to stereotypes or movie portrayals of sex addiction, the condition is anything but funny or pleasurable. For the nearly 16 million Americans believed to have sex addiction, it’s a life-destructive problem that’s progressive in nature and difficult to talk about. It also occurs with rising frequency among both genders.
Even Cosmo magazine is talking about the effects of porn, and how it can add frustration or stress to a relationship – but readers may not realize how serious excessive use of porn can be.
There’s more going on with the television screen than just watching romantic drama unfold. Couples who watch romance TV, including romance reality shows, may feel that they’ll have to spend a great deal of time and energy on their relationship and may be reluctant to give up their freedom. They may also have a lower desire to truly commit to the relationship.
