How is Sex Addiction Related to Sexual Offending?

Sex offending simply means “committing a sexual act that is non-consensual.” If both partners do not fully agree, or if both partners do not have the ability to fully consent to a sexual act (if one partner is too young or inebriated) and the act is carried out anyway, a sexual offense has taken place. The formal use of the term “sexual offender” is a legal one, most often referring to those who commit illegal acts involving sex.

Sexual addiction often has progressive features. Whereas most sex addicts do not progress beyond self-destructive behavior, such as compulsive masturbation, hustling, cruising, or the compulsive use of pornography or phone and computer sex services, others may escalate to victimizing activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, or viewing child porn. Sex addiction can also lead to increased risky, intense, and exploitative acts. The lack of appropriate assessment and treatment of sexual addiction in its early stages may result in failure to prevent more assaultive sexual acts.

For many years, sex offender specialists have emphasized the non-sexual components of sex-offending behavior while minimizing the role of sex itself. A need for power, dominance, control, revenge, sadistic satisfaction, or the expression of anger have been the most frequently cited causes for sexual assaults. More recently, an understanding of addictive sexual patterns and their mood-altering functions offers additional explanations of the many motivations for sexual offending.

The intent of sexually addicted and non-addicted sex offenders differs. Some non-addicted sex offenders consciously attempt to inflict pain, do harm, and attack, and are driven by hatred, rage, or anger. Addicted sex offenders are usually motivated by an attempt to use others for self-gratification, and to escape loneliness, shame, and low self-esteem. Others want to utilize the intensity of the sexual experience to escape their own internal stressors, denying the exploitive features and harm or pain the acts inflict.

The percentage of sexual addicts who have sexual offenses in their background is quite low at about 20%, meaning that the majority of sexual addicts do not go on to become sexual offenders. However, by denying the potential harm caused that addictive sexual behavior can cause to the self and to others, the individual is well on the road to being able to deny the harm caused by an offense.

With increased professional awareness of the role that addictive sexual disorders play in over half of all sex offenses, it is imperative that treatment specialists and counseling facilities incorporate appropriate sexual addiction assessment and sexual disorder treatment components into their work. A failure to respond to the addictive features of sex offenders adds unnecessary risk for recidivism (re-offending) and may result in additional victimization.

Adapted from the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, www.sash.net

Frequently Asked Questions about Cybersex Addiction

By Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT-S

Q: I spend many hours a week involved in online cybersex and checking out social networks for sex/relationship partners; I enjoy every moment. How do I know if I might have an addiction?

If you repeatedly spend more time on online looking for sex and love than you intend, if you continue this despite significant negative consequences in your life (examples: risking loss of relationships, job, health problems, time away from loved ones, recreation, or viewing illegal porn), and if you are obsessed or preoccupied with these activities when you should be focused on other aspects of your life, then you likely have an addiction or related problem. Research suggests that those addicted to online sex or those with online pornography addiction spend at least 11 or 12 hours a week on the Internet, but often it’s double or triple that amount of time.

Q: The cybersex activities I most often engage in are masturbation with pornography. Can this be a part of sex addiction?

Yes. Compulsive masturbation with or without pornography and compulsive viewing of porn with or without masturbation both present long-standing problems for many cybersex addicts. Whether it is through cybersex, phone sex lines, social networks, videos, smartphones, porn magazines, or simply through fantasy, sex addicts can lose hours daily to the isolating activities of fantasy and masturbation. Loss of control, continuation despite negative life consequences, and preoccupation or obsession with the activity are the defining characteristics of any addiction.

Q: If alcoholics and drug addicts define “being sober” by not drinking or using mind altering chemicals, how does a cybersex addict define sobriety – abstaining from sex altogether?

Fortunately, no. Sobriety for cybersex addicts consists of avoiding the sexual and cybersexual activities that cause the addict to feel shameful, hold secrets, or stop activities that are illegal or abusive. Cybersex addicts may also have to avoid nonsexual Internet activities such as surfing the Web or just spending lots of time alone with the computer because it can lead them back to cybersex activities.

Q: My wife caught me several months ago in online cybersex/romantic chats and porn viewing. Although I’ve gotten help for my problem and have not acted out sexually since that time, she continues to be distant, critical, angry, and mistrustful.

Most partners feel betrayed and emotionally abandoned when either through disclosure or discovery they learn of their spouse’s online sexual activities, even if a real-life affair has not occurred. Rebuilding trust takes time. Give your partner space and understanding to express his or her hurt and anger without trying to avoid, dismiss, or make it different. In time things will improve. Consider couples counseling, or attending a couples’ support group to help work through the rough times. SRI also offers couples treatment.

Q: I have a larger sexual appetite than my partner, so for years to satisfy myself I’ve been involved in affairs, both online and offline; use porn; and regularly receive sensual massages. Is this really a problem?

Part of what determines whether someone is a sex addict is not just looking at the person’s sexual behaviors, but also at how he or she is living his or her life. Many sex addicts constantly lie to their partners, keep sexual secrets, and find ways to justify their sexual behaviors. How does your current sex life affect your sense of integrity and your own personal values or belief systems? Have you risked your marriage or primary relationship, your job, or your health in order to maintain access to your sexual activities? Try not having sex at all for 30 days. If you cannot maintain this commitment to yourself, you may have a problem. Think seriously about how your life would change if your spouse saw you engaged in these secret sexual behaviors – or better, run that by a friend –that will likely answer your question quickly.

Q: I am a married woman and my time online is mostly spent in sex and romance chats. I’ve had brief offline affairs with some of these men. I am afraid and embarrassed to ask for help. I think I am a sex addict and I really struggle with this.

There are many women sex addicts. Unfortunately, while our society often rewards men for excessive sexual behavior, it simultaneously punishes and devalues women for the same activities. No wonder it is so difficult for women to come forth and admit they have a problem. About 60 years ago or so when AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) was getting started, most of those meetings were male dominated. Alcoholics were assumed to be males, usually found drunk in back-alleys and half-way houses. Of course, now we know there were many women alcoholics. Increasingly, 12 step sexual addiction recovery programs are welcoming women. It is essential that women in sexual recovery seek out and find the fellowship of other recovering women to share their stories and reduce the stigma of being a woman with this problem. Part of the problem is that most women don’t identify as having a “sex” problem or sexual addiction. Women will more frequently relate to having relationship, love, or marital problems even though they may be engaging in addictive sexual activity. There are increasingly more books to read, more support groups to attend –both online and live – that help women to address their sex and relationship problems. There is no shame in checking these out to see if they are a fit for you.

Q. My partner and I haven’t had sex in many months. I suspect he’s spending nights viewing pornography online, and maybe hooking-up with strangers met on his smart-phone for sex. I asked him about this, and he denied it. I’m sick at heart, but I just don’t know what to do.

Whether or not your partner is indeed engaging in sexually addictive behavior, your relationship is clearly in trouble. Go together for couples treatment, preferably with a counselor who is knowledgeable about how the Internet can affect relationships. If your spouse is unwilling to go with you, then it is even more likely that he is hiding some behavior. In this case, it would be helpful for you to see a counselor alone in order to sort out your options. You might also consider joining an online support group for partners of sex addicts. The only requirement for membership in these groups is that you are being affected by someone else’s sexual behavior. These days, sexual addiction is a major topic of discussion in the online support groups.

Q. After the intensity and novelty of acting out with porn or cybersex, can sex with an ordinary long-term partner ever be just as good?

Consistent involvement with any intensity-based sexual experience (porn, prostitutes, or affairs) gives the participant a high that cannot be repeated in the course of healthy relating. But online sex addiction has many drawbacks as well, and the price can be exorbitant. Alone with only the computer for company, cybersex participants are in fact isolated from real human contact. Cybersex objectifies participants and reduces them to body parts. Real-life sex with a committed partner can evolve into an intimacy that is very different than sex with an image on a screen. But real intimacy takes dedicated work, communication, and play – for any addict it is always going to seem easier to pick up the phone, the computer, or a stranger for instant gratification than struggle with the messy unpredictability of an intimate relationship.  The rewards for that intimate relationship are far greater than you get with sexually addictive behaviors.

Disclosure or Discovery of Compulsive Sexual Behavior

When some type of compulsive sexual behavior takes place outside of a marriage or committed relationship, a crisis is likely to occur for the couple when the behavior is discovered. Discovery may occur when a married man having an affair with an unmarried woman reveals the affair to his spouse, or a spouse finds hotel receipts or telephone bills, or a man is arrested for exhibitionism or voyeurism, or a professional such as a physician or clergyman is accused of sexual misconduct, and many other scenarios.

At this point, most spouses ask the individual who has engaged in sex outside the relationship for information about the behavior. The response they receive is likely to have a great impact on the future of the relationship.

It is natural for people whose sexual behavior is discovered to attempt “damage control” by minimizing, rationalizing, excusing, or denying their behavior. They may fear that their spouse will leave (threats by the spouse to do so are common) if the full extent of the behavior is known; they may wish to avoid the additional shame of disclosure and potential legal consequences of the disclosure; they may wish to hide some of the activity because they want to be able to continue it in the future; or they may wish to spare the spouse more pain. However, many individuals engaging in such behavior may be suffering from a sexual disorder with addictive features. Sexual addiction is a treatable disorder, but only when the disease is confronted in the open and the individual is willing to seek treatment.

Most spouses or partners want additional information. They feel they have a “right to know.” They want to be able to assess their risk of contracting HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Many spouses may have had suspicions but were told they were imagining it or were crazy; now they want validation of their prior feelings. Others feel that they were lied to for so long that they now want the truth. If the sexual misconduct is now a matter of public record (e.g., it was revealed by the media or the subject of a legal inquiry), most spouses want to know the facts so that they can decide what to do and how to respond appropriately to others’ questions.

Spouses who learn about extramarital sexual behaviors experience a range of emotions, including pain, devastation, and anger. Threats to leave the relationship are common at this stage, but preliminary findings from past research suggest that these threats are not usually carried out. Spouses report that honesty from the addict at this painful time can be the first step to rebuilding trust. Although disclosure of graphic sexual details is rarely helpful to the spouse, most partners find it valuable to receive information about health risks; the timing, location, and nature of the behavior; how committed the addict is to the marriage; and whether the behavior has stopped.

Extramarital sexual activities are usually accompanied by lying. When disclosure finally occurs, the spouse often feels betrayed on two levels—both by the sexual activity and by the lying. If the addict subsequently lies to the spouse after the behavior is discovered, the spouse feels yet another level of betrayal. If the spouse defends the addict or states that he or she has been wrongly accused, the relationship may be irrevocably damaged when the truth is revealed. Rebuilding trust in the relationship typically takes two years; however, if additional lying occurs after the disclosure, trust might never be fully restored.

It is important to have a support person (counselor, close friend, or another spouse of an addict in recovery) available at the time of disclosure. In a national survey, it was clear that many partners of addicts would have preferred to have professional help and personal support in the hours immediately following the disclosure, which is best conducted in person rather than by letter or telephone. When a professional boundary violation of an illegal act has occurred, which could result in legal consequences, it is prudent to discuss disclosure with an experienced professional who has worked with individuals suffering from addictive sexual disorders.

People who continue relapsing to the compulsive sexual behavior are likely to maintain secrets and continue to lie to spouses and those close to them. Couples that have put their relationship back on track after the crisis of the addict’s extramarital sexual behaviors tell us that honesty is the key to the survival and growth of their relationship.

Adapted from The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, www.sash.net

Couples Recovering from Sexual Addiction

Sex addiction is a family disease. Both partners have been part of the problem and both must be willing to participate in the recovery process, individually and together. Couples who are willing to identify and to work through individual issues such as family of origin difficulties, possible past traumas or neglect, and the need for better skills to cultivate intimacy, can do well in recovery.

Couples who do well:

• Have made their individual recovery a first priority
• Both connect with others through attending 12 step meetings as well as reach out to others for support
• Usually have individual and couple counseling to identify systems that no longer work
• Accept that couple recovery is a challenging and evolving journey
• Read books and employ audiovisual resources for information
• Are willing to grow spiritually
• Have a strong respect for and commitment toward each other

What to Expect

The first three to six months of couple recovery are usually the most stressful. Both partners will experience a wide range of powerful feelings. There are often difficulties in the areas of communication styles, intimacy levels, sexuality, spirituality, parenting, past trauma, and finances. Identification of the sexual addiction/co-addiction systems, although painful at first, holds hope for eventual relief of the far greater pain of the addiction.

The following is a list of what to expect in the early stages:

Relief
The addict usually finds a great sense of relief after admitting the secret of the addiction. The end of the double life and shame may bring a premature sense of accomplishment that needs to be reinforced by attending meetings, going to therapy, and connecting with program friends for support. Co-addicts also feel a sense of relief at the end of secrecy and validation of their experience of pain.

Anger
Both partners can expect to experience anger. The revelation that the life partner is a sex addict may trigger much anger mixed with legitimate hurt and betrayal. The addict feels anger about the need to make changes as part of recovery. Both partners may blame and shame the other.

Hope
The work being done by both partners can bring new life and hope to the relationship. Both partners are encouraged to attend separate 12 step meetings as well as couples meetings such as Recovering Couples Anonymous.

Self-esteem
The self-esteem of both partners initially may worsen but with continued recovery will improve as both work on a recovery program.

Intimacy
Recovering couples begin to communicate at a more intimate level, often on issues they have never discussed before. Communication skills such as empathic listening, being respectful, and expressing vulnerability, are essential to both partners’ recovery.

Grief
The addict experiences pain over the loss of their “best friend,” the addiction. The co-addict mourns both the loss of the relationship as it was imagined to be, and the reality of the partner being a sex addict. Co-addicts often berate themselves for not having been aware sooner of the addiction.

Sexual issues
Sexuality has a different meaning in recovery. The goal becomes intimacy rather than intensity. Abstinence, and later the frequency, types, and quality of sexual contacts, are issues that the recovering couple must address. Past sexual relationships as well as possible past child sexual abuse of either partner need to be explored. Where other sexual partners were involved, the possibility of HIV infection and other sexually transmitted diseases must be faced early. Couples who continue to learn about healthy sexuality will do better as they address these sexual issues.

Spirituality
Couples who grow spiritually together have hope that a power greater than themselves is also involved in the re-creating of their relationship.

How to Get Help

Therapists trained in sexual addiction are an invaluable recovery tool for both the individual and for the relationship. Addicts and co-addicts benefit from outpatient treatment, some may require intensive services or even inpatient treatment

Effect on Partners, Families and Children

By Jennifer P. Schneider, M.D., Ph.D.

The behavior of sex addicts has profound effects on partners, children, parents, and siblings. The addict is usually partially or totally unaware that their behavior has affected their loved ones. Families tend to develop unhealthy coping skills as they strive to adapt to the addict’s shifting moods and behavior. Curiously, some addicts may act out in solo-isolating behaviors, leading to feelings of family abandonment.

How Does a Sexual Addict Define Sobriety?

In order for recovery to take place from any addiction, there must be some bottom line definition of sobriety. For the alcoholic this is a simple definition, alcoholics and drug addicts define sobriety as being the amount of time they have abstained from the use of alcohol and other mind-altering chemicals.

The time away from the use of these substances is the recovering persons’ sobriety time, the date they began this sobriety or the date they entered 12 step recovery, is used as a sobriety date. Example: “I stopped using drugs and alcohol on June 15th 1987, therefore I am over 10 years sober.”

For the recovering sexual addict however, sobriety can be a more challenging to define. Unlike sobriety from the use of substances, sexual sobriety is rarely considered to be complete abstinence from sex, though at times recovering persons may use complete sexual abstinence (celibacy) for short periods of time while gaining personal perspective or addressing a particular issue. Sexual sobriety is most often defined as a contract that that the sexual addict makes between him/herself and their 12 step recovery support and/or their therapist/clergy. These contracts or “sex plans” are always written and involve clearly defined concrete behaviors from which the sexual addict has committed to abstain in order to define their sobriety.

Some sexual recovery plans have very strictly defined boundaries and as such are fairly black and white. For example: “No sexual activity of any kind outside of a committed marital relationship”, could be one such definition. For others, sexual sobriety can be delineated as abstinence from sexual activity which causes the person to feel shameful, to hold secrets or that is illegal or abusive to others. These more personal definitions may change over time as the recovering person evolves in their understanding of the disease. An example of such a plan might be: “I am sober as long as I do not pay for sex, go to strip clubs, or use pornography”. Another example might be: “I am sober as long as I do not engage in anonymous sex, sex in public places or sex with persons from the phone lines or computer.” These definitions are always discussed at least one other recovering person, therapist or clergy and are not changed without thorough discussion and understanding.

The underlying motive for a concisely written sexual plan, beyond a clear definition of unwanted specific sexual or romantic behavior, is to offer the sex addict an ongoing recovery reminder, even in the face of challenging circumstances. A characteristic of addiction, particularly for sexual addicts, is their difficulty maintaining a clear focus on personal beliefs, values and goals, when faced with situations which potentially involve intensity, arousal, stimulation and impulsive acting-out. This is where the best of intentions, the “please trust me just one more time” and all of the promises “to be good”, go out the window. Without clearly defined boundaries, the sex addict is vulnerable to deciding “in the moment” what action is best for him/her. Unfortunately, most addicts’ “in the moment” decisions are not the ones which lead them toward their long term goals and beliefs. The sexual plan helps to maintain a clear focus on recovery choices regardless of situation or momentary motive.

Women Sex Addicts

A fine line exists between what may be considered by most people acceptable sexual behavior and what is sexually addictive or compulsive. This is especially true for women in a society such as ours where sex is often treated as a commodity. Our culture discourages women from being assertive and direct in the expression of their sexual needs, thereby encouraging a less direct and potentially seductive or manipulative style. Some women go beyond these culturally-sanctioned behaviors and use sex compulsively as a means of gaining power and love.

The idea of being “love addicted” may be preferred by sexually addicted women because it fits the romantic, nurturer model of woman, whereas the term “sex addict” connotes an image of a “nymphomaniac”, “slut”, or “whore”. The “love” that these women describe is often an addiction to the yearning or euphoria of romance, but has little to do with love.

The elements of sex addiction in women are the same as in any addiction: compulsion, continuation despite adverse consequences, and preoccupation or obsession.

The following behaviors when taken to excess are suggestive of sex addiction in women:

1. Compulsion, or unsuccessful attempts to control a sexual behavior:

• Changing relationships to control sexual fantasy and/or activities
• Swearing off relationships, only to give in to the next “right” lover
• Breaking promises to self or others to stop abusive fantasy or sexual behaviors
• Switching to caretaking others, workaholism, overeating, or romance novels to take the place of a sexual relationship

2. Continued behavior despite negative consequences:

• Unplanned pregnancies, abortions, sexually transmitted diseases, or violence
• Terror or shame resulting from sexual activities
• Decreased productivity at work due to sexual behavior with self or others
• Relationship problems resulting from extramarital affairs or excessive time spent on sex-related activities
• Depression related to inability to change sexual patterns or their consequences
• Substance abuse or eating disorders to numb shame and other negative feelings related to sexual activities

3. Obsessive thoughts in planning or obtaining sex:

• Neglecting family, relationship, or career because of time spent preoccupied with sex or sexual partners

Some sexually addictive behavior patterns in women may include: excessive flirting, dancing, or personal grooming to be seductive; wearing provocative clothing whenever possible [a form of exhibitionism]; changing one’s appearance via excessive dieting, excessive exercise, and/or reconstructive surgery to be seductive; exposing oneself in a window or car; making sexual advances to younger siblings, clients, or others in subordinate power positions; seeking sexual partners in high-risk locations; multiple extramarital affairs; disregard of appropriate sexual boundaries, e.g. considering a married man, one’s boss, or one’s personal physician as appropriate objects of romantic involvement; trading sex for drugs, help, affection, money, social access, or power; having sex with someone they just met at a party, bar or on the internet [forms of anonymous sex]; compulsive masturbation; and exchanging sex for pain or pain for sex. For most people, sexual relationships, fantasies, and activities are normal behavior, but for the sex addict, they cause problems.

Most sexually addicted women have not had parental role modeling for how to have emotional intimacy in nonsexual ways. Research has shown that there often is a combination of rigidity and lack of emotional support in the sex addict’s family of origin. The majority of women sex addicts were sexually abused in childhood — 78% in one study.

Women sex addicts may have long periods of inactivity in their sexual addiction. At such times, they may become sexually anorexic, the opposite end of the sexual dysfunction spectrum. During periods of sexual anorexia, they may become excessive in other areas, for example eating.

Many sexually addicted women have sought professional help for psychological problems, but their sexual compulsivity was never addressed. Therapists who understand sex addiction, believe the client’s sexual history, and can help the client stop the behaviors and deal with the underlying feelings, are the most helpful. In addition, 12 step programs such as SLAA, Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA) and Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA) can help women manage periods of abstinence and can teach them how to integrate healthy sexual behavior into their lives.

Love Addiction in Gay Men

We have all known him. The serial dater. The guy who drags you to the bars so he won’t be alone when he’s out there looking. The friend that rapturously describes every detail of his hot lover in the heat of summer, but who you just know will be out there man-hunting again by Halloween.

It can be difficult to understand how the gifts of love and romance can evolve into destructive, compulsive patterns. Yet for the love addicted, romance, sexuality and emotional closeness are experiences more often beset with painful emotional highs and lows than gifted with real intimacy or love. Living in a chaotic, sometimes desperate world of need and emotional despair, fearful of being alone or rejected, the love addict endlessly longs for that “special” relationship, his other half, the one that will make him feel complete. He lives in fear of never finding HIM or worse, afraid that when he does meet his special guy, he himself will be found unworthy of love. No matter how clever, how smart, how physically attractive or successful, the love addict feels incomplete and haunted by a desire for partnership that if fulfilled would somehow make life complete. Jon, a 27-year-old film student had this to say about his search for love –

Eventually I began to hide my dates. I didn’t want my friends to know that I met someone new because so many times in the past I had said, “he’s the one” and then have it not work out, that I thought they would laugh at me if I brought yet another guy to the table. In desperation I tried dating clubs, speed dating, Internet dating and the gay synagogue – even though I’m not Jewish. I asked everyone I know to introduce me to someone they could see me dating.

And then there were the hobbies I didn’t even like, desperately hoping to find HIM while making ceramics, going hiking or playing bad tennis. When I found one sometimes I would have sex right away hoping that would work, other times I would avoid sex until we knew each other better – trying to find the mix that would get it to WORK OUT but it never did. For a while I thought maybe I wasn’t cute or smart enough, later I just blamed the guys I dated for being screwed up. Ultimately it seemed no matter how hard I tried or where I put the blame, I ended up alone. Over time, my life became more and more about looking for the right guy and less and less about enjoying myself and doing the things that make me happy.

Caught up in the constant search for a partner, the love addict’s endless intrigue, flirtations, sexual liaisons and affairs often leave a path of destruction and negative consequences in their wake. Ironically, he has likely had many opportunities for the loving experience he seeks, but all he knows is the intensity of “falling in love” or the drama of “the problem relationship”, while ignorant of the relative calm of true intimacy. Struggling to have the boyfriend or relationship that everyone else seems to have and he does not, he attempts to resolve these painful circumstances by engaging in even more searching, desperately looking for THE ONE.

A sad irony is that even when dating someone who is safe, stable and appropriate, he often becomes steadily more dissatisfied and anxious. Bored and fearful of being trapped with the wrong guy, he will shove aside a perfectly acceptable guy or start looking outside of a perfectly good relationship for yet another new intensity or “love” experience. Thus the cycle begins anew.

Addictive relationships are characterized by unhealthy dependency, guilt and abuse. Convinced of his lack of worth and not feeling truly lovable, the love addict may use seduction, control, guilt and manipulation to attract and hold onto a romantic or sexual partner. At times, despairing of his cycle of unhappy affairs, broken relationships and liaisons, he may try a “swearing off” period, not unlike the anorexic stage of an eating disorder. He may for a while decide that “not being in the game at all” will solve the problem, only to later find the same issues reappearing whenever he reattempts intimacy. His denial of the problem can be seen in the ways he avoids taking responsibility for his relationship problems, blaming boyfriend after boyfriend rather than looking at himself. Like the alcoholic who offers up stressful jobs or financial problems as justification for his excessive drinking, the love addicts’ cycle of dramatic and empty relationships keeps him ever distracted from taking stock of himself or gaining the insight required for change.

Recovering love addicts who have worked on themselves in therapy and 12-step programs like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) can relate to the idea of having used a well-rehearsed repertoire of manipulation to find and hold on to sexual and romantic partners. Jose, a 32-year-old designer put it like this –

I never once went to a gym without looking around for someone to date or if that failed, at least someone who I could get to follow me into the steam room. In life I was always dressed to find HIM and always hunting in one form or another to find the special attention and sense of importance that only HE might make me feel if I could just find HIM. It was necessary for my healing and recovery for me to recognize all the sexual and other strategies I used to employ to attract and manipulate men for what they were. As I slowly began to cast these aside, with the support of 12 step members, friends and therapy I actually began to learn my own value and real human worth, which over time has helped to remove the powerful and empty fantasy life that I lived in for so long.

Unlike the kind of partnership and dependency that many of us seek to compliment our lives, the love and romance addict searches for someone outside of himself to provide the emotional stability he lacks within. Working to escape his own emptiness, he may find troubled or emotionally challenged partners to focus on, thereby giving away to others what he himself most wishes to receive.

Ultimately as his own emotional needs remain unmet, he may himself act out through verbal or physical abuse of a partner or though excessive spending, sex addiction, affairs or drugs, experiences that will ultimately reinforce the very feelings of shame, self hatred and loneliness that he seeks to escape. When love and sex are sought as a means to distract or escape from emotional pain, partner choice becomes skewed. Compatibility becomes based on “whether or not you will leave me”, “how intense our sex life is” or “how I can hook you into staying”, rather than on how much we have in common and whether you might truly become a peer, friend and companion.

Here are some typical signs of love or romantic addiction:

• Frequently mistaking intense sexual experiences or romantic infatuation for love
• Constantly searching for romance and love
• Using sex as a means to find love
• Falling in love with people ‘met’ online yet never having met them
• Problems maintaining intimate relationships once the newness and excitement has worn off
• Consistent unhappiness or anxiety when alone
• When not in a relationship, misusing sex to mask loneliness
• Consistently choosing abusive or emotionally unavailable partners
• Giving emotionally, financially or otherwise to partners who require a great deal of care-taking but do not or can not reciprocate what they are given
• When in a relationship feeling detached, fearful or unhappy, when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone
• Using sex, money, seduction, drama or other schemes to “hook” or hold onto a partner
• Missing out on important family, career, recreational or social experiences in order to find, create or maintain a romantic relationship
• Giving up – by avoiding sex or relationships for long periods of time to “solve the problem”
• Being unable to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships despite repeated promises to self or others
• Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others not

For those seeking a long-term a relationship, healthy romantic intensity is the catalyst that brings about the bonding necessary to sustain love and attachment. The beginning stages of a potential love relationship are the most exhilarating because that emotional state helps us to bond and attach. This is when how HE looks, walks, talks, eats and thinks is the subject of endless fantasy, excitement and late night phone calls. Romance itself, with or without sex, does encourage personal growth when we are open to learning. Then each new relationship can offer insight and self-awareness. Most people easily relate to that “rush” of first love and romance; the stuff of endless songs, greeting cards and fantasy.

More than romance, intensity or even great sex, real intimacy is an experience of being known and accepted by someone over time. Loving relationships develop in part as those first exhilarating times together form a foundation of a deeper, long-term closeness. It is that deeper closeness which ultimately feeds our hearts and keeps us content; long after the rush of new romance has passed.

Sexual Orientation and Sexual Addiction

In order to reduce prejudice and to prevent the mislabeling of healthy sexual relations as pathological, The Sexual Recovery Institute wishes to clarify its position on same-sex sexual relations and same-sex intimate relationships.

Sexual activities and relationships with members of one’s own sex, whether casual or intimate, are not considered to be a sign or symptom of sexual addiction. Sexual addiction is not defined by type of sexual act, by choice of sexual partner, or the gender of that partner. Sexual addiction is defined by the escalating negative consequences of sexual behaviors that are acted out compulsively and impulsively, often without regard to personal or relational consequences.

The Sexual Recovery Institute does not encourage nor endorse any type of treatment methodology which promises to “cure” homosexuality or which holds that homosexual sexual relations are a deviancy which can be “cured” through sex addiction treatment, nor do we offer any such kind of treatment. The Institute acknowledges, along with the American Psychological Association, that homosexual behavior or lifestyle choice does not imply or suggest any form of mental illness or pathology.

Frequently Asked Questions About Sexual Addiction

Q: How do I know if I am a sex addict?

If your sexual behaviors create legal, relationship, career, emotional or physical consequences, yet you continue to engage in those sexual behaviors anyway, then you likely have a problem. If your sexual behaviors take up more time, energy and focus than you would like or your sexual behavior consistently goes against your underlying values and beliefs and you are living a secret double life- then it is likely that you are a sex addict. Sex addicts, both male and female often find themselves thinking, This is the last time that I am going to… yet they ultimately feel compelled to return to the same or similar sexual situations, despite previous commitments to change.

Sex addicts are often unable to make and keep commitments to themselves and others about stopping or changing particular sexual activities over the long term and most sex addicts – whether they wish admit to it or not – have longstanding problems with relationships and intimacy. Sex addicts describe feelings of overwhelming intensity when fantasizing about and preparing to sexually act out, describing this intensity state as being in the bubble or like being in a trance. This form of adrenaline rush is typical of sex addicts when fantasizing and preparing to act out and it is often a more powerful distraction than the sex act itself. Typical sexual addict behaviors include: Internet porn with or without masturbation, online and smart-phone hook-ups, frequent anonymous or casual sex, consistent use of prostitutes, “sensual” massage, escorts, multiple affairs, voyeurism, exhibitionism, frequent sex outside of primary relationships, affairs and compulsive masturbation.

See also: How Do I Know If I Am A Sex Addict?

Q: If I turn out to be a sex addict, why can’t I just take prescription medications to reduce my sex drive or compulsiveness?

Certain anti-depressant and hormonal drugs do reduce sexual drive and/or compulsivity, but medications alone cannot solve the emotional problems that underlie sexual addiction. It can be helpful to some people to consider medication as an option (in consultation with a psychiatrist familiar with behavioral addictions) but rarely do those medications fully eliminate compulsive sexual behavior or help resolve the emotional and relationship problems caused by years of problem sexual acting out.

For sex addicts, seeking recovery, making use of addiction-based counseling, 12 step support groups like SAA and SA and dealing head-on with the real life problems their sexual behaviors have created are the best way to begin long-term change.

Q: Maybe I am just a really horny person and like to have sex –why would that make me a sex addict?

Sexual addiction is not just a problem of being too horny or wanting sex too often. Sexual addiction is a disorder where a person uses cruising, flirting, fantasy, intrigue and sex itself as a way of managing and tolerating difficult feelings, stressors and underlying emotional conflicts. Sex addicts seek sex as a substitute for the support and intimacy that everyone needs, but that they do not allow themselves to enjoy. Even though they may be surrounded by friends, family or supportive spouses; sex addicts will turn to the isolating intensity of their sexual behaviors as comfort rather than using the real human support that they have available. Sexual addiction is more than a physical problem that can be solved by having more sex; it involves complex and often confusing emotional concerns.

Q: Can masturbation and pornography be a part of sex addiction?

Compulsive masturbation with or without porn and compulsively viewing pornography itself are both long-standing problems for many sex addicts. Whether through cybersex, phone sex lines, videos, smart-phones, cruising social networks, magazines or simple fantasy; sex addicts can lose hours daily to isolation and compulsive masturbation. You can be a sex addict without ever having sex with another person, some addicts are too afraid of getting caught, getting a disease or being rejected to seek out partners for their acting-out. Instead, those involved in compulsive masturbation or compulsive porn use may lead lonely, disconnected lives, never really understanding what keeps them from real intimacy and connection with those around them. Many who utilize compulsive masturbation as their primary way of sexual acting-out are in complete denial that their patterns of sexual release are any different for them than most people. Caught in compulsive patterns — often begun in childhood or adolescence — the sex addict who is masturbating compulsively masturbates nightly to get to sleep or every morning in the shower. Thus these behaviors become as much a part of their daily routine as brushing their teeth or sleep. Some masturbate for hours on end, even to the point of injury.

If Alcoholics and drug addicts define “being sober” by not drinking or using mind altering chemicals, how does a sexual addict define sobriety without having to abstain from sex altogether?

Unlike sobriety from drugs and alcohol, sexual sobriety is not defined as complete abstinence from sex, although some recovering persons may take a short period of celibacy to help gain personal perspective or address a particular issue. Sexual sobriety is most often defined through the use of a “sex plan” or “contract” between the sexual addict and their 12-Step recovery support sponsor, therapist or clergy. These plans are ideally written down, and involve clearly defined, concrete behaviors from which the sex addict has committed to abstain in order to call themselves sober. Some relationship or sexual recovery plans have very strictly defined boundaries like, No sexual activity of any kind outside of my marriage or for a single person No sex before being in a committed relationship. Sobriety is defined by abstaining from sexual activities which cause the addict to feel shameful, hold secrets or which are illegal or abusive. Personal definitions may change over time as the recovering person evolves in their understanding of the disease. Sexual contracts such as these should always be created with the help of another recovering person, therapist or clergy, and never be changed in the heat of a distracting moment or without the prior agreement of those trusted people.

Q: For many years I have found outlets to satisfy what I have always perceived as a large sexual appetite. My wife doesn’t seem to want to have a lot of sex so I have been involved in affairs, porn use and regularly have sensual massages. Is this really a problem?

One way of determining whether or not you are a sex addict is by looking at the degree of integrity (or lack of) by which you live your life. Sex addicts lie to their spouses and other important loved ones, they keep secrets, tend to sneak around and use lies or omissions to obtain or get away with recreational sex. They also minimize their sexual activities to themselves while dismissing other’s concerns about them and their behavior. A good question to ask yourself if you wonder if you have a sexual problem is: How does my sex life affect my sense of integrity and does it match up with my own personal values and belief systems? How does my sexual behavior make me feel about myself? If you don’t like what you see and want to change some of your sexual behaviors, then what is keeps you from changing them? One way to help determine if you have a sex addiction problem is to simply take a time out from all sexual behavior. Try not having sex at all for 30 days or so and see: 1) Can you keep the commitment? 2) How difficult was keeping it? 3) What feelings and experiences did you have of yourself while taking this “time out”? If you cannot maintain the commitment to yourself or find it extremely difficult, you may have a problem worth looking into

Q: I am woman who compulsively seeks sex and romance online. I have a great deal of fear and embarrassment in addressing these issues and getting help. Most everything I read and see about sex addicts refers to men and their behaviors. This makes me feel like a woman can’t have this problem or she has to be even sicker to have it. Yet I think I am a sex addict and I really struggle with this.

First of all, there are many women sex addicts. The problem is not as common or visibly problematic in women as it appears to be in men and yet there are many women who suffer from compulsive sexual and romantic behavior problems. However, few women feel comfortable coming forth and admitting to having a sexual addiction problem. After all, what do we call a man who frequently acts out with sexual conquests and sexualized behavior? We call him a stud. But the woman who has a lot of sex is simply a slut. Not exactly the kind of validation that anyone would want to acknowledge. So, while our society often rewards men, even for excessive sexual behavior, it simultaneously punishes and devalues women for the same activities. No wonder it is so difficult for women to come forth and admit they have a problem with sex.

Similarly, in looking back into the history of 12 step recovery programs, you will find that 60 years ago or so when AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) was getting started, most of those meetings were male dominated. Rarely was a woman to be found in an AA meeting, for in those days alcoholism was thought to be mostly a men’s problem. Similarly men dominate most sexual recovery meetings these days, though this is slowly changing as more and more women are showing up with Internet related sexual problems and infidelity. Increasingly 12 step sexual recovery programs are opening membership to more and more women and some now provide women’s-only meetings. SLAA in particular is very welcoming of women participants. It is essential for female sex addicts seek out and find the fellowship of other recovering women to share their stories and reduce the stigma of being a woman with this problem.

Q: I am a gay man and am having trouble with calling myself a sex addict. I have gone through a lifetime of feeling stigmatized for my sexual orientation, and now it seems that by considering myself to be a sex addict I am just adding to that stigma. Although I do struggle with the nature and degree of my sexual behaviors, I wonder if taking on the label of sexual addiction is just another way of making me wrong for being gay.

It is very understandable that you would not want to be the subject of a cultural prejudice any more than you have already been, but before you make up your mind, consider the following: Being a sex addict is not something that anyone wants, it just is. And there is no difference between a straight sex addict and a gay sex addict except the gender of the person that they are pursuing. Straight men go to strip bars, prostitutes, sensual massage, adult movie theatres, and porn and have Internet hook-ups etc. Gay men have sex clubs, bathhouses, prostitutes, adult movies porn, and anonymous sex in public places like restrooms and parks, and they hook-up on the Internet etc. The locations may be slightly different, but the behaviors are exactly the same. If you go to sex addiction 12-step meeting and listen to both straight and gay sex addicts speak about their feelings of compulsivity, shame and painful secrecy, you quickly hear that all sex addicts share more in common in terms of the intensity, drive and compulsive nature of their behaviors than their superficial differences would indicate. In truth, the best sex addiction treatment and recovery therapy occurs when all sex addicts, gay, straight and everything in between are able to reach beyond their superficial differences to work on healing their common problem with sex.

No matter how shameful it may feel, by acknowledging sexual addiction you do not automatically attach a negative label to your morality, value system or humanity, no more than does someone who drinks to excess, alcoholic. The term sex addict is simply the most convenient and accurate term to use to describe certain common patterns of compulsive sexual behavior that require a particular kind of treatment. There is no clinical judgment placed on the diagnosis or the treatment of sex addiction or who or what kind of sex you have, though all sex addicts experience feelings of shame, fear and embarrassment around their sexual lives. These feelings are perfectly normal and predictable and have little or nothing to do with homophobia.

FAQs by Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT