The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Sex and Love Addiction

It is widely established in the field of psychology that there is a link between a troubled childhood-or unhealthy parent-child bonds-and a pattern of sex and love addiction later in life. A sex addict may be someone who compulsively masturbates; watches pornography; pays for sex or to watch sex (as in the case of peep shows or strip clubs); practices exhibitionism and/or voyeurism; acts out with others outside the confines of committed, monogamous relationship; engages in frequent anonymous sex; or engages in any sexually compulsive behavior to the extent that it causes him or her distress or feelings of shame. Love, lust, or relationship addicts are those who either compulsively cling to relationship to the extent that they feel empty or worthless when not engaged in relationship or romantic acting-out behaviors, who are “emotionally-anorexic” (i.e., unable to attach or feel unworthy of attaching), or who are love-averse (i.e., may repeatedly seek relationship, but tend to withdraw quickly; are unable to fully commit, fear being consumed by love).

Sex and love addiction is considered to be a disorder of emotional intimacy. Two sides of the same coin, the sexually addicted may unconsciously seek to avoid the deeper closeness and honesty required by adult relationships, while the love addicted may desperately cling to an illusion of security in relationship contexts too immature to offer true emotional connection.

Often sex and love addiction are spoken about as two distinct pathologies; however recent understanding of the nature of these process addictions has shed light on the fact that they arise from the same source dysfunctions. Research reveals that 82 percent of sex addicts report having been sexually abused in childhood, and therapists believe both sex and love addicts frequently exhibit insecure attachments as a result of childhood trauma.

The Problem of Attachment

In the 1950s, two researchers, Bowlby and Ainsworth, working independently of one another, arrived at what is referred to as attachment theory, which is still used today to understand the nature of how infants bond with caregivers, and subsequently, how adults bond with one another as a result of the way they bonded with their caregivers. The bond that develops between a child and her first caregivers-usually the mother-establishes a pattern for the emotional hardiness (i.e., “the ability to rebound from disappointment, discouragement, and misfortune”) of the child, as well as establishing a pattern for the style of attachment the child will form with others in adulthood. A healthy, secure bond is formed when the caregiver responds to the child’s needs for food, safety, and affection. An insecure bond is formed when the caregiver is emotionally dysregulated (i.e., anxious, fearful, angry, or upset) or when the caregiver is neglectful of the child’s needs.

To the extent that a parent or caregiver is harmful toward, or neglectful of, the child, negative or insecure attachments are formed. When this happens, a child becomes anxious and emotionally dysregulated and may alternately cling to, or emotionally dissociate from, their caregivers and others. These insecure attachments set the stage for neediness (love addiction) or conversely, an inability to emotionally attach (emotional anorexia, love avoidance, or sexual addiction).

Adult Attachment Styles

There are generally four attachment styles recognized in adults. They are the secure attachment style, the anxious or preoccupied type, the avoidant attachment style, and the disorganized attachment style.

The secure attachment style is just as you’d imagine. A person with this attachment style is comfortable showing affection and attention to their loved one and equally comfortable being alone and independent. They do not require a relationship to make them feel happy or complete, but when in relationship, they feel happy and whole. They can accept rejection even when it is painful. The securely attached makes for the best partner and friend.

The anxious or preoccupied type is nervous and insecure in relationship. This individual requires the constant reassurance and affection of a partner and may never be able to entirely trust their loved one. They may remain in relationships which are combative or abusive or may go to great lengths to check up on their partners-calling and texting constantly, stopping by their lover’s workplace, or reading their partner’s email or texts without asking. They may become irrational or emotionally erratic and require much energy to sooth their many fears. Anxious attachment styles develop in infancy when love and care is provided inconsistently.

The avoidant type is highly independent and loathsome of commitment. They are generally afraid of intimacy. Even without recognizing their fear, they are experts at escaping intimacy; they can intellectualize whatever is meant to be emotional for others. They often feel trapped by closeness. In relationship, their partners get the sense the avoidant type has one foot out the door. They do. Long-term commitment and any sustained level of emotional intimacy are nearly impossible for the avoidant to maintain. Avoidant attachment is developed in infancy when some basic care needs (i.e., feedings) are met while others are neglected (i.e., being held).

The disorganized attachment style develops when a parent or caregiver is abusive to a child. A child experiences the abuse as frightening and traumatic, and yet the same caregiver is the only source of safety. This confusion and distress creates dissociation; a child will consciously flee from her circumstances as well as from her very self. In adulthood, this produces a personality that may appear detached from reality. In relationships, the disorganized personality often unconsciously relives past trauma and may surprise their partner by overreacting to circumstances with oversized fear or anger.

It is possible to operate with more than one attachment style-and to varying degrees-and it is possible to change one’s attachment style over time.

We are all impacted by the circumstances under which we were raised, and those circumstances impact the way we relate to other humans. Nature and nurture both affect the adults we become and the patterns we adopt-addictive and otherwise. Despite painful or unfortunate childhood experiences, the human is adaptable above all things. Given insight and effort, we can heal from unhealthy addictive cycles and from the insecure attachment styles that predicated them. To do so, we must be willing to become self-aware and to work steadfastly toward healthful change. The rewards-for ourselves and our loved ones-are well worth the effort.