Does Fetish Behavior = Sex Addiction?

A fetish is an object, behavior, or body part whose real or fantasized presence is part of a person’s sexual gratification. In other words, fetishes are recurrent and intensely arousing sexual fantasies, urges, and behaviors that incorporate specific roles and/or physical objects. These objects and roles are incorporated into a person’s sexual life because they are a compelling and sometimes even primary source of arousal. Most fetishes are playful and harmless, though some are pathological, dangerous, and even illegal. Some of the more well-known fetishes are:

• Use of inanimate objects such as high heels, women’s lingerie, etc.
• Use of “sex toys” such as dildos, vibrators, cock rings, nipple clamps, etc.
• Specific physical traits such as body size (petite, chubby, super-muscular, etc.) or body parts (XL or XS sized breasts, penis, buttocks, feet, etc.)
• Physical suffering and/or humiliation of oneself or one’s partner, also known as BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism)

Obviously this is a very incomplete list. Other relatively common sexual fetishes include arousal involving “water sports” (urination), coprophilia (fecal matter), cross dressing, contortionism, verbal humiliation, body hair, skin color, armpits, amputations, leather, rubber, denim, cigars, perfumes, food, exhibitionism, voyeurism, frotteurism, transvestites, etc. In other words, almost anything can be a fetish. And there is nothing clinically wrong with most fetishes. In other words, fetish behavior is NOT a defining factor in sexual addiction. Being involved in BDSM, the leather scene, cross-dressing, or any other fetish lifestyle does not automatically make a person a sex addict. Sexual addiction is not defined by who or what arouses a person. Rather, it is about loss of control over sexual behavior and directly related negative life consequences.

Most fetishes are harmless forms of sexual play and an innovative way to express physical intimacy. The vast majority of fetishes are not psychologically unhealthy, so long as the person engaging in the behavior is accepting of his or her feelings and open to sharing his or her desires with partners. Only when a behavior is causing undue stress and shame, is illegal (a fetish involving children, for instance), or is part of an addictive pattern (compulsively engaging in BDSM, for instance) does it become a clinically significant issue.

Interestingly, there is little evidence that sexual fetishes are in any way treatable. Though a person’s unhappiness about what serves as a “turn on” can sometimes bring feelings of guilt and shame, and that person may wish to eliminate this portion of his or her arousal template, there is almost no chance of actually doing so. Even a person sincerely dedicated to the process of change is highly unlikely to alter his or her attraction to a particular fetish. Yes, uncovering past trauma and developing an understanding of how a particular arousal pattern came to be is of interest, but such insight is unlikely to result in change. If something turns you on, it turns you on, and that’s the way it is. Once something is etched into a person’s arousal template, it’s there to stay. People can sometimes add to their arousal template, but subtracting is almost impossible.

The question often arises about how a sex addict with a sexual fetish can have an enjoyable sober sex life. Essentially, he or she can do so the same as any other sex addict – by defining which sexual behaviors are problematic and which are not, and only engaging moderately and appropriately in the non-problematic behaviors.

The word “recovery” literally means to retrieve or get back, not remove or subtract. So sexual recovery is about getting back what you’ve lost to the addiction. Sex addicts with fetishes are usually able to slowly reintegrate fetish behaviors into an active, healthy sex life. As long as those behaviors don’t create new secrets, shame, isolation, and negative consequences there is nothing wrong with them. It is important that recovering sex addicts not let others convince them that their (legal) sexual arousal template is wrong or non-sober. As long as a recovering sex addict’s expression of sexuality doesn’t violate other people or the basic principles of recovery – not keeping secrets, not engaging in behaviors that cause adverse consequences, not being abusive, etc. – chances are the behaviors are not contrary to sexual sobriety.