Should I Stay or Should I Go? Deciding if a Relationship is Right for the Long-Term

By Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S

Jason is troubled. Despite a solid year of dating Ellen, the kind of woman all his friends call "a keeper", he is having doubts about whether or not he wants to remain together. While nothing specifically bad has gone wrong happened, he is worried that they are growing apart. "When we first met it was magic, we couldn’t get enough of each other in every way, our sex-life was intense and frequent. Now it’s like we are bored with each other and my interests – sexual and otherwise – are wandering toward others. Does this mean that Ellen may not be the right girl after all? How do I figure this out?"

It is not unusual at any stage of a relationship to question whether or not to stay and it is very typical be asking yourself this after the first year or so have passed. At this point the intensity stage of initial bonding has likely passed and the work of building a real relationship, just beginning. Moving out of the intensity of a newfound infatuation and into the intimacy that defines healthy longer term relationships is a challenging time, as the emotions that define long-term love are much more subtle than those felt when first dating. Unfortunately, as their initial passions inevitably fade, many clueless men leave perfectly good relationships looking yet again for ‘the right one’ and falsely believing that "real love" should always be hot. These men have yet to learn that the meaningful relationship stuff (trust, safety, love, companionship etc.) is truly only built over time.

To help clarify whether or not Ellen is a meaningful long-term choice for him, Jason can do some simple self-examination. A helpful first step is for him to write a list of his relationship priorities and then look to see how he and Ellen, as a couple, match up with his values and needs. When questioning a relationship, which is often an emotionally based process, making use of your rational side can help you make better decisions. For example – In looking at what he wants in a relationship, number one on Jason’s list of priorities is having children. He knows that he is not willing to go along with anything else. So since raising a family at some point is an absolute for him, it goes to the top of his list. Jason also knows that it is essential for him to have lot of physical contact from his partner- hugging, kissing, holding etc., but he is willing to compromise if there are other qualities in the love relationship that compensate for that. So frequent physical contact, though high on his list, will not likely be a ‘make it or break it issue’. By clearly considering and writing down his relationship priorities and later discussing them openly with Ellen, Jason will have an easier time understanding how to move forward. Below is a starter list to consider:

Typical Priorities for Long-term Relationships

• Honesty – Can you accept a partner who may keep secrets from you or do you want a partner who is completely open about anything you want to discuss?
• Having a family/children – Do you want to be parents, now or at any point in the future?
• Communication- Are you ok with a partner who needs to be drawn out or may not talk about his feelings or is it essential that your man be willing to say what is on his mind?
• Living together or living apart – Some loving couples stay together by mostly living apart. What is your priority about living together with your spouse? Is it essential or negotiable?
• Companionship. Healthy long-term relationships require you to be good friends. To have fun together. Enjoy similar things and make each other laugh. Relationships where you have little in common are much more difficult to maintain. Is your partner a good friend who accepts you as you are?
• Monogamy – Do you both agree to have sex only with each other? If not – can you agree on a stable set of rules regarding having sex with other people?
• Do you enjoy having sex together? This doesn’t mean that you desire your partner every time you see him, but relationships go a lot further when you and your partner enjoy sex whenever you choose to have it. Can you see having sex with this person regularly, over time?
• Income/Finances. Is it essential to you that your partner is a big breadwinner or does he or she merely need to pay his share? Are you a big lifestyle person (fancy cars, travel, expensive shopping) or are you happy at Target? Think carefully as finances are the number one issue in most relationship fights.

Making up a list of personal relationship priorities – and then ranking/numbering them will help you gain clarity about moving forward with someone or moving on. It is even more useful if both partners make such a list, then prioritize it and share it with each other. Even if you are single, this kind of self-exploration will help narrow and define your choices out in the wonderful world of dating.