How Does Depression Affect Marriage?

The National Institutes of Mental Health (NIMH) tell us that as many as 15 million adults in the United States experience major depression at some point in life. With that many people dealing with depression, it is bound to impact families and marriages. It is hard to say exactly how often one marriage partner experiences depression but some estimates suggest that up to two-thirds of all U.S. marriages are impacted by the condition. So how exactly does depression affect a marriage?

The first thing to note is that couples rarely report that depression is what is causing their marriage to unravel. More often, the depression in one partner has led to other problems. For example, the depressed partner may seek an emotional escape through infidelity. Depression can dry up motivation at work which then leads to all sorts of financial problems. Wherever it leads, untreated depression is the root from which larger, more obvious problems can sprout.

Depression may be triggered by a life event or could be the result of family history. Depression is a heritable condition and where there is a family record of the illness, the likelihood that it will appear rises sharply. The condition may only last for a short while, as might be the case when there is the loss of a close family member or a career. On the other hand depression can be sporadic or could last for extended periods of time. When it is something more than temporary, it can create serious tensions in a marriage relationship.

Consider the all-too-common scenario: The depressed partner does not like how he/she feels. On top of everything else, they feel guilty about being down. Sleep offers a welcome means of escape. Suddenly the depressed partner is sleeping almost constantly. But there is still plenty of work to be done around the house and it becomes the responsibility of the healthy partner to get it all done. A bit of anger and resentment takes hold.

But depression doesn’t cause the affected partner to only give up on responsibility; the illness touches former enjoyments as well. Shared pleasures fall prey to depression. Sex is often the first shared joy to go. Anger and frustration in the healthy party begins to mount. The healthy partner may wonder why the other person won’t just snap out of it. On the other hand, they may see the partner’s depression as an expression of dissatisfaction with the marriage. Little by little the chasm between partners widens.

Counselors can help couples to see past the effects of depression and realize how treating depression can have a positive cascade effect. Many times talking through feelings and setting out positive steps to take can resolve the problem of depression. When that isn’t enough, anti-depressants can help the affected person get over the hump. Regardless of what therapy is needed, seeing improvement can be highly motivating for both partners.

The good news is that marriage counselors say that depression often does get couples to come into the office out of worry over a potential divorce. Because problems that are ignored don’t just go away, getting help really is a crucial step if the relationship is to be saved and restored to health. Sine depression rates in general have been rising and treating them will only become a more necessary part of maintaining healthy marriage relationships going into the future.