1. Work for win-win solutions. Shame-based couples tend to look at all issues in terms of right and wrong, and to see all conflicts as ending with a winner and a loser. Search for solutions that make each partner a winner. Seldom is there just one way to do things. Find the alternatives.

2. Use the Twelve Steps. Stop the fight and share with each other what step you need to use in connection with this problem. Use the tools your recovery gives you.

3. Agree on times to work on problems. Fighting when you are tired and depleted is counter-productive. Agree that it is all right to talk about the program at another time that’s acceptable to you both. Have a rule about times of the day when intense issues need to be tabled.

4. Avoid dramatic exits. Threatening abandonment is great drama, but also destructive to those whose history is filled with it. Remember, shame is about abandonment. If you need a time-out, ask for it.

5. Focus on the issues, not on history. Shame-based couples do not resolve things because they keep escalating the conflict by adding in other unresolved problems. Cut down on the backlog by concentrating on the current disagreement.

6. Avoid cheap shots. Partners know each other’s vulnerabilities. Fighting is an act of trust and an invitation to intimacy. Do not sabotage it with demeaning, disrespectful, or expoitive comments. Support, do not exult, when your partner admits an error.

7. Accept issues and feelings of others. They are realities for the other person, even if they seem alien or unreal to you. Validating your partner’s experiences will add dramatically to your ability to solve things together.

8. When stuck, consult with others. Therapists, trusted friends, sponsors, other couples – all can be resources. If, as a couple, you have no one to talk to, you do not have the resources you need. Find support for your relationship.

*SRI will be hosting a three day workshop for partners of sex addicts.The dates for the next two workshops are February 17, 18 & 19 and May 26, 27 & 28. The treatment day will run from 10:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m. Thursday and Friday and 10:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m. on Saturdays.

Treatment days will consist of group therapy, psychoeducational lectures, and other therapeutic activities.  The fee for these three days of fun and fellowship will be $1000. You will need to pay a non refundable 50% deposit to reserve a slot in the program and then pay the balance when you arrive. We will be taking a maximum of 12 clients per workshop. Email info@sexualrecovery.com to sign up.