Sex Addict’s Partners: The Importance of Full Disclosure to Them

With sexual addiction it is usually the betrayal of relationship trust caused by consistent lying rather than any specific sexual act that causes the deepest pain to a betrayed spouse or partner. The trauma experienced by a spouse who is forced to live with a sex addict’s secrets and lies is usually quite significant. The sudden realization that a long-term intimate partner has been living a double-life filled with sexual infidelity can cause the cheated on partner to question literally everything about his or her relationship, regardless of whether the cheating has been in-person (affairs, prostitutes, sensual massage, anonymous sex, etc.) or online (porn, webcams, social media, dating/hookup websites and apps, etc.).

Sometimes a victim of infidelity begins to doubt her or his own behavior, experiencing guilt, shame, remorse, self-doubt, and more. In other words, betrayed spouses sometimes turn on themselves, blaming themselves and thinking they are the source of the problem. They think: “If only I’d been (nicer, sexier, richer, thinner, smarter, more supportive, etc.) this wouldn’t have happened.” They may also find themselves examining feelings and misgivings they previously pushed aside, choosing instead to believe the lies they were told. When this occurs they wonder why they opted to ignore their self-protective instincts, and they begin to question their judgment. Oftentimes betrayed partners worry that they’ll never be able to regain the trust they need to stay in this or any other relationship.

An intelligent, moderated process of therapeutic disclosure can help the betrayed partner to overcome these issues. Supervised disclosure, performed with the assistance of a qualified professional, is an integral part of the recovery process for most sex addicts who are partnered or married. Disclosure helps the addict to stop keeping secrets, which is imperative if he or she hopes to maintain lasting sexual sobriety. It is equally (if not more) important for partners because they need to:

• Validate their suspicions about what was happening in the relationship – suspicions their spouse/partner likely dismissed or denied in his/her addiction
• Know if they are at risk for sexually transmitted disease, financial disaster, public humiliation, or any other unexpected pitfalls
• Determine if and to what degree the cheating spouse/partner values the relationship
• Gain a sense of control in an out-of-control situation
• Determine how to proceed (or not proceed) with the relationship
• Learn what else their spouse/partner has lied about, as trust isn’t partial and people who’ve been cheated on lose faith in everything their spouse/partner has told them, not just things related to sex

Disclosure is appropriate when:

• The couple is committed to staying together
• The client (the addict) has at least four to six weeks of sexual sobriety, during which he/she has completed a thorough sexual history that has been discussed in detail with his/her primary therapist and also in his/her group therapy
• The spouse has a therapeutic support network, be it one-to-one therapy, group therapy, or a support group for spouses of sex addicts
• The spouse wants to know (some do not)
• The post-disclosure process is fully pre-planned, including provisions for separate cars and possibly even time apart

Disclosure should not be piecemeal or doled out over time. Full disclosure, all in one sitting, protects the cheated on partner from the pain of continual emotional body blows caused by fractional truths revealed on an “as needed” basis. It also increases the odds that trust can be rebuilt. Simply put, an unfaithful spouse or partner who comes clean in one sitting and then continues to be honest on an ongoing basis has a much better chance of eventually regaining the trust and respect of his or her spouse or partner.

Disclosure should always take place in a therapeutic setting. It is imperative that disclosure be carefully planned, organized, and carried out with a trained professional present. The clinician will likely have worked with both parties to prepare each person for the process and potential outcomes of disclosure. This is necessary because the sharing of this history, even in a safe, controlled, therapeutic setting, is an unavoidably traumatic event. In fact, many betrayed spouses and partners experience acute stress symptoms and even symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) upon learning about their partner’s infidelity. The involvement of a licensed therapist can help them to process this trauma in a healthy, rather than destructive way.