Gay Men and Sex Addiction

Once upon a time, gay men searched for sex on notorious street corners, in public parks and restrooms, in adult bookstores and theatres, in the steam room at their local gym, and, in larger cities, in certain bars and clubs. Today, however, gay men search for sex in much safer and significantly less public venues. Hustlers are found on dating and “escort” websites, porn of every ilk imaginable is readily available on the Internet, mutual masturbation occurs via webcams, and casual or anonymous hookups occur via smartphone “friend finder” apps. And in many respects Western gay culture strongly encourages such activity, perhaps as a positive (out and proud) reaction to growing up in a shame-based, homophobic society.

Unfortunately, living in a counterculture in which sexual activity is celebrated can sometimes enable compulsive sexual behavior patterns – i.e., sexual addiction. This is not to say that gay male sex addicts are compulsively sexual because of their sexual orientation; they are not. Like all sex addicts, gay male sex addicts are compulsively sexual as a way to self-medicate uncomfortable emotions, life stressors, and underlying psychological issues such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, attachment deficit disorders, unresolved trauma, and the like. In this respect, gay male sex addicts are exactly like straight and bisexual sex addicts (both male and female).

Unfortunately for gay male sex addicts, their destructive patterns of sexual behavior take place against a cultural background of sexual freedom, which can make their sexual issues more difficult to recognize and diagnose. Consider alcohol as an analogy. An alcoholic who spends all his free time in bars may struggle to recognize he is addicted to alcohol. Why? Because everyone else he meets is also drinking (though not alcoholically in most cases). In much the same way it is difficult for gay male sex addicts to stand out as sexually addicted because they live in a sexually permissive community.

Of course, sex addiction is not solely a gay men’s issue. The diagnoses of sex, love, and porn addiction are equally common among straight and bisexual men. And all male sex addicts act out in the same basic ways. Regardless of sexual orientation, modern sex addicts locate pornography and partners through websites, social media, online video chat, and smartphone hookup apps. The only real difference is gay men log on to Grindr, Manhunt, and Scruff while straight guys log on to Blendr, Skout, and Ashley Madison.

One issue that needs to mentioned when writing about gay male sex addicts is concurrent drug abuse. It’s no secret that sex addicts often struggle with multiple addictions. One study of male sex addicts, both gay and straight, found that 87 percent reported also abusing an addictive substance or another addictive behavior. For many gay sex addicts stimulants are the secondary drug of choice, and more often than not methamphetamine tops the list. Users say meth allows them to be sexual for hours or even days at a time, especially when Viagra or a similar drug is along for the ride. Unfortunately, meth is disinhibiting, and safe sex often loses its priority. And, on top of the increased risk of contracting HIV and other STDs, meth is, in and of itself, a highly destructive substance, both mentally and physically. For some gay men, drug use and sex are so intertwined that they form a single, fused addiction. If they are doing one, they are also, without fail, doing the other.

There are a lot of gay identified men, no one really knows how many, who utilize the intensity and emotional power of sexual fantasies and behaviors to self-soothe, distract, and emotionally medicate themselves in ways that create emotional, health, relationship, legal, financial, and other consequences. These individuals can find recovery in therapy with gay-supportive sex addiction treatment specialists and in gay-friendly 12-step sexual recovery meetings. Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA) and Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) seem to be the most popular and welcoming 12-step “S” programs for gay men. Oftentimes, either intensive outpatient treatment or inpatient treatment are needed to jump-start a sex addict’s recovery. For individuals with fused drug use and sexual acting out, both aspects of the addiction must be treated simultaneously, preferably in an environment where these issues are addressed as the paired, dual concerns they have become. The Substance Abuse and Intimacy Disorders Program at Promises, Malibu, offers this type of treatment.