Does Sexting Have a Role in the Modern Art of Seduction?

Sexting has been the downfall of many men in power. Most recently, an Indiana pediatrician joined U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner and others in sacrificing his career and reputation for a sexting exchange, in this case with someone he thought was a teenage girl. Like the others who have gone before him, a short time later the pediatrician admitted himself for sexual addiction treatment.

It’s not only politicians and professionals who take huge risks by sending and receiving sexually suggestive or explicit images, a practice known as “sexting.” Despite the threat of rejection and the always looming possibility that an explicit photo may end up in the hands of some unintended third party, millions of men and women sext.

According to a Pew Research Center poll, 6 percent of American adults have sent a sexually explicit (nude or near-nude) photo to someone and 15 percent have received one. Other researchers believe the behavior is even more widespread, estimating that more than half of adults are sexting.

Why Risk it All Just for a Sext?

Why would someone risk it all just for a sext? After all, sexting does not necessarily mean “getting lucky,” and someone who wants to view explicit photos can easily do so on the Internet.

“Sex is often the ultimate goal, but people who sext are also seeking affection, attention and validation,” says Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT-S, an internationally known author, addiction specialist and educator and founder of the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles. “Sexting is more interactive than looking at pornography, which implies a desire for connection.”

While people sext for all kinds of reasons, most adults engage in the behavior to arouse desire in a prospective mate or partner, explains Weiss. Women may expose their breasts, using their body as a commodity to attract a mate or add to the thrill of an extramarital affair. Men may believe that showing their genitalia will make a prospective partner find them important or desirable.

“Most people who sext are not exhibitionists in the ‘offender sense,’ sending suggestive images to total strangers,” notes Weiss. “Rather, sexting has become part of the of the seduction process. In the same way that people connect through messages and photos on social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter, sexting allows for fast-paced communication that makes it easier to get to know someone and start a sexual or intimate relationship.”

Studies confirm that the majority of sexters are looking for something more than risk or excitement. Research conducted by a team from the University of Nebraska and Washburn University found that most people who engage in sexting are seeking out a real-life relationship.

Is Sexting Considered Cheating?

It is doubtful than any spouse or partner would be happy to know their significant other was sending nude or suggestive pictures of themselves to someone else. But does sexting cross the line into cheating?

“It depends on the couple,” explains Weiss, who defines infidelity as “the keeping of secrets in an intimate relationship.”

For some couples, sexting is considered harmless fun. One partner may have knowledge of the other’s sexting behavior and accept it, trusting that an in-person sexual encounter is not the goal. For others, sexting may be a confidence-shattering betrayal. One partner perceives sexting as a violation of intimacy or emotional infidelity, but regardless, the other engages in the behavior.

“If [a man] says ‘honey I met this person online and will send them pictures of my genitals’ and she’s fine with that, then it’s not cheating,” says Weiss. “But if you’re going out there and doing something so significant with another person that you feel you need to keep it hidden from your spouse, then that counts as cheating in my book.”

The Link Between Sexting and Sex Addiction

When the sexting escapades of public figures make headlines, a highly anticipated admission into sex addiction rehab often ensues. Does that mean anyone who sexts is struggling with or on the path toward sex addiction?

Millions of men and women engage in sexting – as well as viewing pornography – without developing any symptoms of sex addiction, says Weiss. Many people find sexting fun and entertaining. Some may even swear it has saved a long-distance or passionless relationship. But for a certain percentage of sexters, the behavior can be indicative of a problem such as love or sex addiction.

Increased access to pornography, adultery-promoting websites and sexual material online make it more likely that a man or woman may lose control. It is believed that sexting and related intensity-based behaviors can impact the way the brain functions, similar to drugs and alcohol. For a small percentage of sexters, these changes can result in them acting in ways previously observed in drug addicts, such as secretiveness, continuing to engage in the behavior despite hefty consequences and trying unsuccessfully to stop.

“For sex addicts, the arousal process sparked by sending explicit photos gets hijacked by their brains into an attempt to self-medicate,” Weiss explains. “People will compulsively try to get their needs for emotional and spiritual connection met through impulsive and sexually addicted behaviors in spite of the potential consequences.”

For those who struggle with sex addiction, sexting is just one of many ways a problem can get acted out. Adultery websites, strip clubs, prostitutes, affairs, GPS “friend finder apps,” serial dating and compulsive masturbation are examples of behaviors commonly displayed by sex addicts. Though often problematic for the individuals engaged in these behaviors, the associated emotional arousal can help the individual escape feelings of inadequacy or loneliness, numb the pain of early trauma and/or avoid the fearful emotional challenges that can arise in genuine intimate relationships.

Sex Addiction Rehab: PR Stunt or Cry for Help?

People question the motives of anyone in the public eye who agrees to enter treatment for sexual addiction only after being “outed” for behaving badly. Do they really believe they have a problem or are they pulling a PR stunt?

“The public needs to keep in mind that no addict – drug, alcohol, gambling or sex – is initially motivated to enter a treatment setting because they want to be a better person. All addicts enter treatment because their specific behavior has gotten them into trouble and they are motivated to find a quick solution to their troubles,” explains Weiss. “Our job once they have entered a treatment setting is to help the individual become fully accountable for past behavior and hopefully begin to move toward honest change and integrity.”

In gender-separate sex addiction treatment, men and women learn to identify unhealthy behaviors, work to overcome denial and learn the concrete tools needed to stop acting out their impulsive and compulsive behavior patterns, all the while developing genuine, non-sexual connections with other people. In addition to meeting with sex addiction specialists and experienced therapists, clients receive support from other men or women who share similar struggles. Group therapy and 12-Step support groups are integral to the healing process, as is family or couples counseling in appropriate situations.

As human beings, it is in our nature to connect individually, in families and as part of a community. While that process used to involve nervous phone calls, love notes and face-to-face flirtation, technology has transformed the art of seduction. For some, sexting has become a part of relationship-building and relationship maintenance – but for those struggling with sex addiction, it can be relationship-destroying. If you’re part of the latter, know that you are not alone. Sex addiction treatment is not a get-out-of-trouble-free pass but it can help you build a life of genuine intimacy and freedom from addiction.