Sexual Addiction and the Holidays

Most people view the holiday season as a joyful period filled with family, close friends, and entertaining celebrations. For sex and love addicts, however, the holidays can be incredibly difficult. For these individuals the season is stressful, and being (or at least appearing to be) happy, carefree, and "emotionally present" oftentimes feels incredibly uncomfortable. Sometimes recovering sex and love addicts are overwhelmed by the pressure and revert to their old acting out patterns. And many not-yet-recovering sex and love addicts find their addiction escalating; they either spend more time acting out, or they increase the emotional intensity of their behaviors by engaging in new, more powerfully exciting acts.

Happily, there are a number of steps that sex and love addicts can take to maintain or even to begin sobriety during the holiday season.

If you’re already in recovery for sexual or romantic addiction:

• Stick to your regular routine as much as possible, even though it’s likely to be disrupted by days off, holiday parties, and other events. Routines provide comfort, and comfort is very important in stressful times. Keep to your normal schedule in terms of going to the gym, cleaning the house, watching your favorite TV show, etc.
• Continue to attend your therapy sessions, 12-step meetings, and other support groups. You may even want to attend a few extra meetings. Most recovering sex and love addicts find the holidays difficult, and talking about it on a group level helps not only you, but everyone else in the room.
• Try not to overindulge with alcohol. Just because you can’t act out sexually or romantically doesn’t mean you should be numbing out with holiday cocktails. In the world of recovery, this is known as changing seats on the Titanic. The view is different, but the ship is still sinking.
• Don’t beat yourself up for eating too many Christmas cookies (or whatever). Nobody’s perfect. Browbeating oneself over a relatively harmless indulgence during a season in which even healthy people sometimes struggle with self-control is pointless, and a quick route to relapse.
• Take care of yourself. Sometimes addicts spend so much time worrying about others (spouse, children, etc.) during the holidays that they forget about themselves. In addition to the basic self-care of eating right, getting enough sleep, going to meetings, and checking in with your sponsor, you should buy yourself a gift or take a few minutes to simply escape the hustle and bustle and enjoy the solitude and silence. Many addicts find a short period of mediation is a great way to recharge the batteries.
• Don’t isolate. If you live alone, get out of the house to shop, walk, eat, see a movie, and hang out with family members or friends in recovery. The more you’re around supportive people, the less likely you are to relapse.
• If you’re really struggling, find a way to help another person. This truly does work. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, help to collect Christmas toys for the less fortunate, or, best of all, find a way to help another sex or love addict stay sober.
• Don’t obsess about the idea that everyone else is having a perfect holiday and you’re the only one that’s struggling. EVERYONE is struggling. Media images of happy families smiling and singing and shopping and guzzling eggnog by a warm fire are not reality. Real life is messy, real people are messy, real holidays are messy… and that’s perfectly OK.

If you’re still active in your sexual or romantic addiction:

Now is a great time to reach out for help. The best holiday gift you can give to yourself and to your loved ones is sexual and romantic sobriety. Making an appointment with and talking to a licensed sexual addiction therapist is the perfect first step. You might not "get well" in time to fully enjoy this holiday season, but with a little hard work and dedication you can ensure that future holiday seasons are filled with genuine intimacy and joy. Certified sex and love addiction counselors can be found at the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles, at The Ranch in Tennessee, or by searching on the website of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health.