5 Ways to Stay Sexually Sober on Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day can be one of the worst things for single people: The world seems awash in chocolate, rose petals and Hallmark moments. It seems impossible to take a trip to the grocery store, turn on the TV or browse online without being bombarded by images of love-struck couples that make you feel very much alone.
When everyone around you seems (keyword: “seems”) to be part of a blissful, sepia-toned twosome, it can be tempting to act out sexually or reignite a destructive relationship to dull the pain of disconnection. But it’s not worth losing your abstinence over the illusion that everyone in the whole wide world is romantically happy except you — a perception largely propagated by advertisers hoping to turn a profit.
Here are five ways to keep Valentine’s Day from sabotaging your recovery from love or sex addiction:
- Take a break from social media. Looking at photos of other people’s Valentine’s dinners, surprise marriage proposals and romantic getaways is like rubbing salt and lemon in a wound. And stalking your ex and your ex’s new partner on Facebook is a recipe for self-destruction. Do your recovery a favor and take a break from all social media. If you succumb to masochism and find yourself trolling Facebook or Instagram, remember that much of what you see is a lie. Social media platforms are the ultimate stomping grounds for narcissists and their carefully constructed facades of perfection. Don’t make yourself miserable comparing your life to one that isn’t even real.
- Practice self-care. Wallowing in self-pity is easy, but cultivating self-respect requires discipline. You don’t need a sex or romantic partner to feel worthy — you can do that by practicing self-care. Instead of acting out or sitting at home marinating in loneliness, try nurturing your mind and body. Take a yoga class, go for a hike, practice mindful meditation or get a massage. The better you treat yourself, the less you’ll rely on all the wrong people for your self-worth.
- Be of service to others. One of the best ways to lift your mood is to be of service to those less fortunate. Spend Valentine’s Day volunteering at a soup kitchen, caring for kittens at an animal rescue or visiting elderly people at a nursing home. Service puts things in perspective: Many people are far more alone than you are and have much bigger problems. Getting out of your own head and giving to others is a healthy way to spread the love on Valentine’s Day.
- Get creative. Instead of obsessing over what you don’t have or hooking up with people who aren’t good for you, harness your energy in productive ways by getting creative. Spend Valentine’s Day cooking, writing, painting, finally assembling that scrapbook or working on a home improvement project. Being creative is an incredibly empowering enterprise: It can stop you from ruminating and leave you with something tangible that you can feel proud of because you produced it on your own.
- Work on your recovery program. If you feel like acting out, take opposite action. Call your sponsor, talk to a newcomer, go to a support-group meeting or work on that recovery step you’ve been avoiding. Use your loneliness as motivation to deepen your commitment to your recovery and your support community.
On Valentine’s Day or any other day, being single isn’t a tragedy — and it’s certainly better than feeling alone in a bad relationship or during a fleeting sexual encounter. Finding healthy ways to work through this sensitive holiday will help you develop coping skills and strengthen your relationship with yourself so you can live consciously and meaningfully — with or without someone else.
By Virginia Gilbert, MFT
Follow Virginia on Twitter @VGilbertMFT