Intensity Vs. Intimacy: Sex Addiction, Controlling Truth and Closeness – Part I
Ken is a 42-year-old divorced, straight male. He picks up women online — using dating websites like hook-up sites, baiting women with his humor and photos of his adorable daughter. Midway through a first date, he moves in for a kiss. If a date doesn’t respond sexually, he moves on—instantly. He will only spend time with a woman who will sleep with him right away and elects to keep several sexual relationships going at a time, though none of the women are aware of the others. These relationships are not serious for Ken, although some are for the women he sees. He withholds the facts, lies directly and never shares emotional truths.
His last serious relationship ended after he was fired from the community center where he taught yoga classes in the evenings and on weekends. Two women came forward to complain that Ken had touched them inappropriately and aggressively. This hadn’t been the first time Ken had been accused of sexual misconduct; his wife took custody of their daughter.
As a child, Ken and his younger sister were both physically, emotionally and sexually abused by their older brother, Scott. Despite their family’s wealth and their mother’s stay-at-home position, Scott was able to harm his siblings right up until he left home at 18. Today, Scott is in prison and Ken never speaks of him and rarely to his sister or mother. The only other person who knows about the abuse is his ex-wife.
Ken likes rough sex (he likes to be in control) but has never learned about how to have it safely. Not all of his partners are equally interested in this kind of sex, and several have come away feeling hurt or embarrassed. Ken denies the reality of this the way he denies his cheating and his past. The last time a woman confronted him about his dismissal of her needs and his lack of respect for her boundaries, he simply got dressed and walked out. They had met online and planned a date the very same afternoon. During their date, Ken pulled her onto his lap and began to undress her. She responded favorably until he began to get rough. The same woman emailed Ken the next day to ask whether he thought he might have sexual addiction and confided that she believed she did. She explained that they had both skipped right over getting to know one another and headed directly to sex without talking about likes, dislikes and sexual boundaries. They were complete strangers to one another. She wanted Ken to understand that she wasn’t blaming him for his roughness, only wanting him to consider something she was learning about herself although she knew it might upset him. As she suspected, Ken was offended by her message. Still, that was six months ago, and this last week, “Ken” is sitting in his first SAA meeting.
An Intimacy Disorder
In an interview with Vixely.com, Robert Weiss, senior vice president of clinical development with Elements Behavioral Health and a renowned expert in sexual addiction, explained again that sexual addiction occurs as the result of an intimacy disorder, “the inability to stay in relationships that involve the risks that come with being fully known. Having such problems denies our most basic human need to deeply bond with others.” Weiss explains that the people he most often sees in treatment for sexual addiction, those people who unarguably suffer intimacy disorders, are typically individuals who have experienced some sort of trauma in their early lives—be it emotional, physical or sexual abuse, or another type of trauma.
Why Intensity Feels So Good to the Addict
Weiss says 20 percent of the men he treats have experienced sexual abuse, thus what they learned about intimacy is that it is inherently dangerous. But because all humans are social creatures, and because we need social bonds in order to thrive and be healthy, we seek out contact with others despite the discomfort. People who cannot tolerate true emotional intimacy will find ways to bring others to them, yet hold them at a distance. Sexual addiction functions as a way to do just that—replacing the natural tendency for emotional closeness—bonds that can feel like they expose us, forcing us to be vulnerable and emotionally naked—with the intoxicating rush of physical intensity, wherein we only need to be physically undressed.
Weiss explains:
Individuals who are unable to accept healthy intimacy will seek emotional compensation through more superficial and controllable situations. Just as we always need food and shelter, from womb to tomb, so too do we need to feel loved and connected. This is true throughout our lifespan. Those I treat have, in some ways very creatively, found maladaptive ways of coping with their sense of separation and aloneness in order to survive emotionally.
So in a very real way, sexually dependent behavior allows addicts to control the type of intimacy they share with others, taking in only what she or he feels safe with and denying the need for more.
Weiss goes on to say that for people to be happy, long-term monogamous relationships are not essential or even necessary. What is important for all humans to live healthfully and happily is the experience of truly intimate bonds, be they with friends, family members or romantic partners. Love, after all, is a basic human need, and to be truly loved, one must be willing to be fully seen and known. The greatest step a recovering sex addict will make is in finally allowing himself to be seen and accepted by another, even while his fear of vulnerability still makes him greatly uncomfortable. It’s the definition of courage, after all—moving forward despite the fear.
Learn more in “Intensity Vs. Intimacy: Sex Addiction, Controlling Truth and Closeness – Part 2”