Reimagining Intimacy in Sexual Addiction Recovery
As noted sexual addiction expert Robert Weiss and so many others have been telling us, the root problem of sexual addiction is not one of sex, but of intimacy. Sex addiction is more accurately understood as an intimacy disorder—a problem of the addict to emotionally connect with himself and with others. To heal sexual compulsivity is to heal our inability to connect, to be able to tolerate feelings of vulnerability in order that we do so. So, what then, is intimacy? Dr. David Schnarch, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of numerous books including the bestselling, “Passionate Marriage,” has an answer to this question that seems to defy popular understanding while at the same time addressing it. Schnarch writes:
“ …Intimacy is Nature’s latest “experiment” (because it uses the part of our brain that evolved last), and we’re still trying to learn what it is and how it works in long-term relationships.A sociologist once observed that intimacy themes in mass media, pop psychology and “alternative lifestyles” suggests that we’re driven by hunger for intimate union. It may look like this on the surface, but my clinical work helped me realize that there’s something else going on. We’re driven by something that makes us look like we crave intimacy, but in fact we’re after something else: we want someone else to make us feel acceptable and worthwhile.”
The Primary Relationship Is With the Self
Schnarch discusses the prevalence in marital and couples therapy of encouraging couples to seek and offer validation and acceptance from one another. He teaches something different: the importance of self-validation and self-acceptance. For instance, when approaching your significant other with your feelings, Schnarch urges that couples not self-edit in order to engineer validation, but to risk speaking honestly even when they know they are likely not to hear what they want. Validating yourself, he says, is more important than receiving the validation of another. This builds the internal acceptance, confidence and self-worth that is vital in order for true intimacy to take place. After all, in order to risk being emotionally vulnerable with another, it is our own love we first need.
This isn’t to suggest that our significant other is free to be brutal with us—just honest. We can accept his or her opinions without disproportional reactivity when our foundation is a safe and intimate bond with ourselves.
Intimacy at Work
Ramon’s compulsions had centered on chronic masturbation to fantasies that were uncomfortable to him. He felt a great deal of shame about his addiction, and although he didn’t tell his wife about his behaviors for several years, he allowed the behavior to take him away from his marriage. Sometimes the compulsive behaviors were what disconnected him—he gave as many spare moments as he could to the addiction, which meant he had no time for his relationship—but in other ways, he allowed the shame he felt to separate them. He found that because of how frequently he masturbated, he couldn’t seem to finish sex when they attempted to have it, and this made him feel even more ashamed. Ramon felt unworthy of touching his wife, unworthy even to be with her.
When they began to see a marriage counselor, his wife had asked the therapist how they could learn to communicate, to be more intimate in emotional and physical ways. But the therapist had a surprising answer: “There are many things you can do to learn to communicate better as well as to build intimacy, but until Ramon begins to develop this kind of relationship with himself, you may not make much in the way of sustainable progress.” It was a relationship of intimacy—of self-validation and a sense of self-worth—that Ramon would need. His addiction was not an indication that he was somehow incapable of creating these things, only an obstacle between him and the inherent worth already residing within him.