Helpful Hints about Using Your Sexual Boundary Plan

Unlike recovery from substance abuse, sexual sobriety does not entail ongoing abstinence. Instead, recovering sex addicts – working in conjunction with a knowledgeable sex addiction therapist or a 12-step sexual recovery sponsor – define their individual goals for recovery and a healthy life. Then, based on those goals, they craft a three-part boundary plan that defines what sexual sobriety means to them. This written commitment is broken down into inner, middle, and outer boundaries, each of which is specific to the individual in question. The inner boundary is the addict’s bottom-line definition of sexual sobriety, specifically listing the sexual behaviors he or she wishes to stop. The middle boundary lists warning signs and slippery situations that could lead the addict back to his or her inner boundary behaviors. The outer boundary lists healthy activities the addict can engage in as enjoyable and fulfilling alternatives to acting out.

Sex addicts often carry printed or digital versions of their boundary plan with them at all times, referring to their plan in times of crisis. Not only does a boundary plan serve as a reminder of which behaviors are forbidden and/or slippery, it provides the addict with a handy list of alternative activities (outer boundary behaviors). For most sex addicts, even a quick glance at an outer boundary item is enough to halt the acting out process. Below we have listed four helpful hints regarding sexual boundary plans.

1. The purpose of a boundary plan is to hold you accountable to your commitments, particularly when you face challenging circumstances (when you are triggered to act out). Without this clearly written set of boundaries, you are vulnerable to deciding in the moment what sexual choices are best for you – and, unfortunately, sex addicts making spur-of-the-moment decisions about sex usually end up regretting their choices. When your bottom line behaviors are clearly defined, you are much less susceptible to these impulsive and lamentable decisions.
2. Boundary plans are flexible. Many recovering sex addicts find that after a month or two with a particular set of boundaries, they need to adjust their plan. This is perfectly normal and acceptable. However, changing a boundary plan is not something you should do on your own. You should NEVER change your plan without consulting the therapist or sponsor who helped you create it in the first place – the person who fully understands your problems and their context. Changing your plan just because some special situation arises and you decide in the moment that it’s time to make a change is not called “changing your plan,” it’s called acting out.
3. Keep in mind when first crafting or when changing your boundary plan that if you are looking to justify the continuation of a particular behavior, even though you know deep down it no longer serves a healthy purpose, you can nearly always get someone to sign off on it. It is incredibly important that you be honest with yourself, remembering that the purpose of your boundary plan is to end rather than justify the sexual acting out that is destroying your life.
4. If you are in a relationship, you need to consider, when you create or alter your boundary plan, how your new approach to sexuality will affect your partner. For instance, a period of total sexual abstinence for you may affect your partner rather significantly. If you need to, discuss your boundary plan and the reasoning behind it with your spouse or partner. Usually that will assuage any difficulties they might have with it.

If you do not yet have a sexual boundary plan, and are struggling to define your goals and bottom line behaviors, it is imperative you speak with a certified sexual addiction therapist such as the individuals at the Sexual Recovery Institute. Sex addicts without concrete, written boundary plans are likely to continue their sexual acting out, and to continue experiencing directly related negative life consequences. Once a boundary plan is in place, sex addicts have a greatly increased chance for sexual health, emotional wellness, and a happy, fulfilling life.