Summertime’s Sex Addiction Bonanza

Summer is here, and for sex and love addicts this presents heightened challenges. For starters, people wear a lot less clothing when it’s hot out. Halter tops, short-shorts, bikinis, Speedos, thongs, and tight T-shirts are de rigueur for a lot of individuals – and that alone can trigger a sex addict’s cycle. Plus, there are lots more parties in the summer than most other times of year. This means more socializing and more alcohol, and consequently lowered inhibitions and more opportunities to act out. Plus there’s family stuff to deal with – vacations, ballgames, recitals, lawn maintenance, BBQs, and all sorts of other potentially stressful stuff. 

Essentially, the events of summer mix into a dangerous cocktail for sex and love addicts. Dealing with family, neighbors, coworkers, and the like can present a wide variety of emotional challenges from which an addict may seek to “escape.” Plus, shortened summer work hours and vacation days present extra (often unstructured) free time that can easily turn into acting out time. Even the cultural expectation of summertime relaxation and socialization can cause problems, particularly if the addict feels like he or she is falling short on the warm weather enjoyment front.

With all the triggers of summer, it might seem impossible that a sex or love addict could maintain his or her sobriety. Nevertheless, plenty of recovering addicts manage to not only survive, but thrive during the warm weather months. Usually they manage this by stepping up their program of recovery. Many establish a daily mindfulness check-in as a way to become hyper-vigilant about how they are feeling and what they are thinking. Useful check-in questions include:

• Am I feeling sad, lonely, isolated, or disappointed in any way?
• Am I keeping any sexual or romantic fantasies, ideas, plans, or behaviors a secret?
• Have I contacted any former or potential acting out partners?
• Am I likely to run into any former or potential acting out partners at a party or other social event?
• Do I have idealized, possibly unrealistic expectations about myself, my family, or any upcoming party or event?
• Am I prepared to handle disappointment if my expectations for the day (reasonable or otherwise) are not met?
• Am I feeling impulsive or obsessive?
• Am I resting, eating right, and generally taking good care of my physical, emotional, and spiritual self?

Many recovering sex and love addicts also find it useful during the difficult summer months to revisit the basics of early sobriety, re-implementing ground-zero advice that worked for them in the past such as “just take the next right step,” “stay in the moment,” and “take it one day at a time.” They also continue to attend their regular 12-step recovery meetings, and perhaps a few new ones. Plus, they make a conscious effort to communicate daily with their 12-step recovery sponsor and supportive friends in recovery.

Other summertime sexual sobriety tips include:

• Be careful with booze. Alcohol is disinhibiting, and over-imbibing greatly increases the risk of making a regrettable decision.
• Don’t seek out ex-lovers, ex-spouses, or old hookup partners – even if you’re single. Summer can sometimes feel like the “season of love,” and reviving an old flame may seem like a good idea. It isn’t. These people are in your past for a reason, and that reason is the two of you didn’t work together.
• Don’t jump into sex or a relationship just because it seems like everyone else is happily coupled up. Instead, talk about what you are feeling with your therapist, your sponsor, or a supportive friend. Usually the simple act of sharing what you’re experiencing is enough to diminish the power of those emotions.
• Structure your time. If you’ve got a week of vacation and no specific plans, you’re ripe for relapse. Make plans to spend quality time with family and friends, and keep those commitments no matter what. It’s no secret that having an agenda for one’s day greatly reduces the odds of impulsively acting out.

Yes, summer is supposed to be a time of relaxation and social enjoyment, and sometimes that actually comes to pass. For most people, however, it’s an up and down season just like any other. Unfortunately for sex and love addicts, the emotional roller coaster of life can be exacerbated by the visual triggers of warm weather, making these addicts even more susceptible than usual to the pull of their compulsive fantasies and behaviors. Consequently, sex and love addicts need to keep their guard up during this period – even more than they normally do. Happily, when addicts stay sober despite the many summertime temptations they face, they often find themselves having the most relaxing and enjoyable summer of their lives; this simple joy is just one of the many gifts that lasting sobriety can bring.