Speak Up About What Matters
"Our lives begin to end the day that we become silent about things that matter." – Martin Luther King, Jr., American clergyman, activist, and prominent leader in the African-American Civil Rights Movement (1929-1968)
We don’t like to make waves. Doesn’t that about sum up how we feel about speaking up in matters that we think are not our concerns? When we are in recovery, we’re even more likely to be reticent about speaking our mind, or at least to offer our opinion or advice on a particular issue or situation.
But here’s the rub. If we remain silent about something we truly care about and feel strongly enough to have a concern, don’t we owe it to ourselves and the other party or parties to mention it? How can it be that we hold our tongue and then watch in uncomfortable silence as the situation turns from bad to worse? We may then beat ourselves up for keeping still, but we cannot go back and undo what we failed to do then.
This isn’t meant to be a condemnation of anyone’s actions or inactions, only to point out that we have to live up to our principles. It may very well be that we’re afraid of speaking our mind, worried that others won’t take us seriously, chalking our comments up to inexperience or lack of knowledge or being busybodies or some other dismissive reason.
Maybe we’re not totally in the know, and so should couch whatever we might say in broad and inoffensive terms. Maybe we’re so new to recovery that we don’t think we have the right to speak up about certain things.
Maybe we’re doing ourselves and our recovery a huge disservice. Think about it. Who loses when we don’t stand up for what we believe and speak out when we think that we should? If we follow the thread of what could have been, we may find that there is less risk involved to say something than to say nothing.
Of course, we will get better at doing this with practice. It’s certainly not going to be easy to speak up when we’ve just finished rehab or have only recently gotten back into recovery after a relapse or a major crisis. We’re likely too busy tending to our own recovery tasks to devote much attention to what’s going on elsewhere. And that is as it should be.
But when we come up for air, when we have more or less found our footing in recovery and feel strong enough to lift our heads and see what’s happening in our family, our community, at work or school, among our friends, and in the rooms of recovery, we should take in everything and try to process it to the best of our ability. If we see something that’s wrong, or that someone is behaving badly, or another is being mistreated, we need to say something. Beyond that, we may need to do something to help prevent harm from happening to another.
What it really comes down to is what kind of a life do we want to live in sobriety? Do we only want to do what we absolutely must in order to maintain our clean and sober life? Or do we want to continue to learn and grow and make as much progress as we can, creating and working toward and realizing our hopes and dreams? One thing is certain. We cannot possibly be completely happy with our lot in life if we remain deaf to the cries of others, blind to the inequities and cruelties that may be occurring around us.
But how do we get over our fear about speaking up when it matters? What if we’re ridiculed, dismissed, shouted at or ignored? How do we handle that sort of rejection? Again, it won’t be easy if this happens, but it’s not the end of the world. Perhaps the best way to look at it is to ask ourselves, what would we want others to do if we were the ones in the situation? Would we want someone to speak up or speak out on our behalf? If we were the ones causing harm, would it be appropriate for someone else to say something to us?
When we put it in those terms, it becomes a little easier to see why it is worthwhile for us to take the initiative, to overcome our fears and speak up when it matters most. Maybe don’t try to always be the one to say something, but just do so when it’s something we truly care about.
As with anything we do for our recovery, it may be helpful to establish rules for certain situations, or to prioritize our actions and our words, accordingly. For example, we could make it priority number one that we will always speak up if a member of our family is affected and we can say something or do something that may make a difference in the outcome. Maybe we see something happening at work to a fellow employee, possibly even one that we don’t know that well. In the past, we might have avoided any confrontation or kept silent even though we know that what we see going on isn’t right. Perhaps we’ll find the strength to say something that may change the situation for the better.
This isn’t a perfect strategy, by any means, but it is a place to start. Once we have an idea of what is most important to us, we’re more likely to be willing to step outside of our comfort zone and speak our mind when it matters most.
After all, when we’re in recovery, life is more than just getting by. It is, or it should be, about learning how to maximize our feelings of joy and satisfaction in a job well done, of doing everything we can to bring joy and happiness to others we love and care about, and to do all in our power to mitigate or prevent harm from happening to others. At times, this may very well mean that we speak up and speak our mind – in the most appropriate manner, of course.
Beyond being the right thing to do, by speaking up when it matters, we’re also benefiting ourselves and our recovery – far more, in fact, than any effort or discomfort we may go through to do it.