When Sex Addiction Strikes the Family: Whether to Tell the Kids

By Marty Simpson Revell, MA, CSAT-2
Addiction Specialist, Sexual Recovery Institute

Disclosing one’s struggles with sex addiction can be a difficult task – one that isn’t made any easier when considering whether to tell the kids. Should they know? Is it the right time? How much should you say?

I highly recommend that anyone in this position consult with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) before attempting disclosure to children about sex addiction. The decision to disclose to children or not is one that needs careful consideration, even if the children are adults. For some, it can be part of the healing process. Others may prefer to keep their marital issues to themselves, particularly if the kids are very young and unaware of any acting out by the addict. Every situation is different and should be carefully evaluated with guidance from a CSAT professional.

Author Stefanie Carnes, PhD, CSAT-S, has done significant research on the impact of sex addiction on spouses and family members. In her book, Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts, she donates a chapter to this topic. The book is an excellent resource for those recovering from sex addiction.

Who Should Disclose

Ideally, both the sex addict and the partner should be present for disclosure to the children, though it is the sex addict who should make the disclosure in an age-appropriate way. This puts the addict in a position to accept responsibility for his behaviors and move forward in his process of making amends.

When to Start the Conversation

Only approach the kids when both partners can convey a message of hope. Children need reassurance that this is the adults’ problem and nothing they did caused it. They also need a clear message that it is the adults’ job to work on the problem; the child does not need to “do” anything.

It is important not to begin the conversation too early, but rather to wait until the initial shock and crisis have passed. The first few weeks or months following disclosure can be a volatile time for the sex addict and spouse.

When the addict is out of denial, willing to accept responsibility for his actions and exhibiting behavioral changes – and both partners are involved in a treatment and a recovery program – the conversation is most productive. If both partners are not in a recovery program, there is a higher risk of a repeating pattern of disclosure and relapse that can be extremely damaging to the partner and children.

How to Disclose

Disclosure can happen in any number of ways, some of which are more productive than others. Here are the five primary types of disclosure:

• Forced Disclosure – A forced disclosure occurs when news of an individual’s sex addiction is going to come out anyway, often because of a legal issue or an angry partner threatening to tell the child. Unfortunately, this type of disclosure forces the addict to come forward before he’s ready to share the whole truth, which is often more damaging to everyone involved.
• Softened Disclosure– Most kids, even adult children, don’t want to hear about parents’ sex lives. With younger kids, it is generally sufficient to say something they can understand like, “Daddy lied to mommy.” With older children, parents can sometimes explain that there has been a betrayal of trust or simply say there are problems in the marriage.Since children typically won’t ask for information they don’t want to hear or aren’t ready to hear, let them ask questions and set the pace of the conversation. In many cases, they already know there’s a problem and it’s validating for their feelings to be confirmed.

  If the parents are planning to separate or divorce, they may explain to younger children that, “Mommy and daddy can’t live together and get along,” whereas older children may be able to understand that there are problems in the marriage that the parents couldn’t reconcile despite their best efforts.

• Delayed Disclosure – Often, delayed disclosure comes about after first providing a softened disclosure and later, as the child matures, giving a more thorough explanation that there are problems in the marriage.
• Unbalanced Disclosure – Unbalanced disclosure occurs when one parent tells the child without the other parent’s agreement or participation. Because this often does not occur in the spirit of hope and healing, it is not as healthy or productive as softened or delayed disclosure.
• Discovery – It is not unusual for children, especially tech-savvy teenagers, to discover pornography on the sex-addicted parent’s computer or an explicit email from an acting out partner. If the child knows, it is better to talk about it honestly, in an age-appropriate way, than to sweep it under the rug.

Special Considerations

Other important considerations when talking to your kids are:

• Your reasons for disclosing (never use a child as a way to retaliate against your partner)
• The child’s health or other situations that put the child at risk
• The child’s developmental maturity and understanding of relationships, lying and related issues
• Family dynamics and concurrent issues

In families with both older and younger children, it’s typically advisable to disclose based on the younger child’s ability to understand. Telling the older children more and asking them to keep secrets from their younger sibling(s) creates an unhealthy family dynamic.

Parents should always consider what is in the best interest of the child and refrain from divulging information the child isn’t asking for or doesn’t already know. Under no circumstances should detailed or explicit information (such as the type of behavior or number of sexual partners) be provided to a child, even an adult child.

When in doubt, talk it out with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. It is also beneficial for the children to speak with a therapist who specializes in child psychology and can work through the issues on their level. Family therapy, conducted by a professional with family systems expertise, can also provide healing.

Teachable Moments

Carl Jung instructs us to embrace our “shadow.” By acknowledging their struggles, parents can draw upon a number of teachable moments. Some of the lessons children can learn from this type of discussion are:

• The importance of commitment and intimacy in a relationship (for older children).
• No one is perfect, including their parents. This sends a powerful message that the child can make and admit mistakes and work through them as well.
• Even when grown-ups don’t know what to do about a problem, they can reach out for help. They don’t have all the answers, but they are not alone (and by extension, neither is the child).
• The parents recognized a problem (which is validating for children because chances are they already sensed that something was wrong) and are taking care of it. This bolsters the child’s sense of security.

Talking to your children about a parent’s sex addiction can be an opportunity for personal growth for each individual family member but should be given careful consideration. By following these guidelines and working with a CSAT, you can work toward making this difficult process as honest and productive as possible.

(The use of gender specific pronouns is for concise wording and in no way implies that sex addiction is a gender or orientation specific issue.)