Recovering Sex Addicts and Digital Dating

A lot of sex addicts entering recovery, especially those who are not already in a long-term relationship, worry that they will never again be able to date or have sex. This is not the case. Unlike sobriety for alcoholism and drug addiction, “sexual sobriety” is not defined by ongoing abstinence. Instead, sex addicts in recovery (working with a sex addiction treatment specialist or their sponsor in a 12-step sexual recovery group) define which of their sexual behaviors are problematic and which are not, and agree, in a written “sexual sobriety contract,” to abstain from the problematic activities, while engaging moderately and appropriately in the non-problematic behaviors.

Not surprisingly, among the goals of most recovering sex addicts is having a healthy, emotionally rewarding, and enjoyable sexual and romantic life. For many people this means dating – and that typically means some form of online dating, since that’s the way it’s most often done nowadays. This, of course, can be a scary proposition for a lot of sex addicts, especially those for whom the Internet was a primary acting out venue. Men and women hooked on porn, webcam sex, virtual sex games, and casual, anonymous, or paid-for sexual encounters set up via the Internet will always need to approach digital technology with caution. That does not, however, mean they can’t learn to use the Internet in life-affirming ways that enhance their sexual and romantic lives.

Note of Caution! Some sex addicts may not be able to successfully date online. For them, the lure of acting out is simply too strong. If this is your truth, then by all means you should stay away from digital dating.

Despite the caution above, most recovering sex addicts are able to safely and effectively use the Internet for healthy dating. First and foremost, such people must define what they are looking for and, more importantly, what they are not looking for in a digital dating experience. This does necessarily mean they must only seek a long-term relationship. For many recovering sex addicts casual dating is perfectly acceptable. As long as an addict’s dating goals don’t violate his or her written sexual sobriety plan, the addict is OK. Nevertheless, it is always a good idea to run your goals (and your online profile, including the pictures) past your sponsor or sex addiction treatment therapist.

Beyond that, a few basic rules for successful online dating are:

• Pick the right dating site/app. Avoid sites focused on sexual hookups. Instead, think about places like eHarmony.com or Match.com. Do a bit of research and find the site or sites that best meet your needs. If you’re Jewish and want to meet other Jewish people, consider jDate.com. If you’re Black and want to meet other African Americans, try BlackPeopleMeet.com. Etc.
• Be honest. If you’re 50, don’t try to pass yourself off as 35. If you post a photo (face-shot only!) use a recent one that actually looks like you. And be very specific about the fact that you are not looking for meaningless sexual hookups. Being truthful up-front about what you’re looking for (and not looking for) will save you a lot of potential trouble.
• Be specific in your search. Online dating sites and apps allow you to search for men or women using a wide variety of parameters. Pick three to five nonsexual criteria that are important to you, and limit your search to individuals who meet your benchmarks.
• Remember that you’re never too old (or too anything else). Despite our cultural fears and prejudices against people who are overweight, short, bald, etc., there truly is a lid for every pot. In other words, even if you feel old or unattractive, there’s someone out there who will take one look at you and swoon. Don’t be afraid to give them (and yourself) the chance to experience that.

The good news here is that knowing what you have to offer and what you’re looking for is half the battle. Once you start the process of accepting yourself as you are and looking realistically at what you’d like from a dating partner, you can start in earnest the journey of finding that person. It is important to remember, however, that you are a sex addict in recovery. If at any point you feel that your long-term sexual sobriety may be compromised by a digital dating experience, you should immediately call a halt to the adventure. Perhaps, after discussing the issue with your sponsor/therapist, you will be able to reformulate a dating plan and re-enter the fray. It is possible, however, that you might find the Internet too dangerous. If so, you will need to approach dating in a more traditional way.