By: Terry Gatewood, MSW

When we think of all the damage untreated sex addition can create for addicts and their loved ones, the most obvious is the loss of trust.  Following right behind is the feeling of a lack of safety by the spouse/partner.

In the bigger context the myth that is challenged is that of the untreated addict being trustworthy themselves.  It is no longer believable that they mean what they say and their actions are congruent with their words.  When their behavior comes to light this myth is shattered.

Being in relationship with someone who is deemed untrustworthy often creates an environment where the spouse/partner does not feel safe.  As pointed out by Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, Safety is the second most important and basic fundamental for human existence.  We frequently hear spouses/partners demand that the addicts do whatever it takes to make them feel safe again.

Here’s the paradox – how can the very person who broke that trust be place in charge of making you feel safe again?

The flip side to this myth that the addict was trustworthy is the myth that the spouse/partner had the ability to detect when they were being lied to by anyone (certainly the one they were the closest).  The realization that we are all vulnerable to being deceived one time or another even by our spouses/partners can really rock our worlds.  But being willing to risk being hurt is the only way we are able to achieve true intimacy in relationship. Sucks doesn’t it?

I am often asked by spouses/partners how the addict that has broken this trust can ever be trusted again and restore a sense of safety.  The answer is simple – consistency, consistency, consistency.  By following a negotiated plan of recovery over time with accountability, the addict can begin the long process of rebuilding the foundation of trust a healthy relationship can be based upon.  The accountability comes from maintaining firm boundaries and consequences if the addict does not following the recovery plan.

SRI Clinical Director, Sharon O’Hara has a beautiful way of framing it:  “Telling the truth, and tell it faster.”