Frequently Asked Questions by Spouses of Sex Addicts

By Marty Simpson Revell, MA, CSAT –II, Addiction Specialist

Every couple’s experience of sex addiction and recovery is deeply personal and depends on their unique situation. Still, there are a few concerns shared among many of the couples we treat at the Sexual Recovery Institute:

My Spouse Is a Sex Addict. Is My Marriage Doomed?

If the sex addict is willing to work a program of recovery, there’s great hope for these relationships.

When you think about how prevalent sexual compulsivity is in our society (porn is a 13 billion dollar business, 40% of Internet searches are sex-related, and 30% of Craigslist revenue is related to adult services), it’s clear that a significant number of people have sex, porn and intimacy problems. Most are not dealing with them.

Couples that do walk through this experience together and have an interest in reconciling actually give themselves a great opportunity for a whole new kind of intimacy in their relationship. Intimacy involves sharing yourself with another person and having them fully know you, and also being willing to see and accept your partner in the same way – the good, the bad and the ugly.

Although many people think intimacy means sex, physical intimacy is just one piece. When a couple goes through something that hits at such a tender level, they gain intimacy with themselves as well as each other. They learn how to look inward and identify what they really feel and need in any given moment rather than compulsively turning to sex or any other addictive behavior. They also learn how to start talking about the difficult topics.

Those partners who are willing to get treatment learn a great deal about themselves and what attracted them to a sex addicted partner. Whether or not they decide to work on the relationship, the process can be deeply healing on a personal level.

Is My Spouse’s Sex Addiction My Fault? Did I Do Something to Make This Happen?

Your spouse’s sex addiction is not your fault. Most sex addicts struggled with sexual compulsivity long before they got married.

The causes of sex addiction are poorly understood, though a combination of genetic and environmental factors are likely involved. Research suggests that sex (and the pursuit of sex) affects the reward centers of the brain in similar ways as food, drugs and alcohol, making it exceedingly difficult for a sex addict to stop acting out without treatment. It is also important to note that a significant number of sex addicts experienced childhood trauma, often in the form of physical, emotional or sexual abuse, neglect, or growing up in a dysfunctional or addicted home.

Just as you did not cause your spouse’s sex addiction, you cannot cure it. The best way to support recovery (yours and theirs) is to focus on meeting your own needs and setting healthy boundaries. Getting involved in S-Anon or COSA 12-Step groups for partners of sex addicts and participating in both individual and couples counseling can help both partners address the issues underlying sex addiction and the trauma spouses of sex addicts experience.

What Should I Tell Other People About My Spouse’s Sex Addiction?

There is still a great deal of stigma surrounding sex addiction. Sex addiction is about 50 years behind alcoholism in terms of social understanding, awareness and stigma. For this reason, spouses should exercise discretion in deciding with whom they will share this very personal information, especially in sensitive settings such as the workplace. You can freely share and receive support in 12-Step groups for partners for sex addicts, or talk with a spiritual advisor or therapist.

If you decide to share with family and friends, only share with supportive, understanding people you know you can trust with your confidentiality. When in doubt, remain vague. For example, if asked a direct question you can simply reply, “We’re having trouble in our marriage and aren’t quite ready to talk about it yet.” This is your marriage, your personal and sexual life, and it’s really no one else’s business.

How Do I Explain My Spouse’s Sex Addiction to My Kids?

Although it may come as a surprise, discussing a spouse’s addiction can be a teachable moment for children. There is a way to be honest without oversharing or frightening the child. Of course, any conversation must take into account the age and best interests of the child. In general, it is wise not to offer more information that the child is requesting.

Rather than basing the conversation around sex (most kids don’t want to know about their parents’ sex life anyway), parents can say, “Dad lied to mom and is getting some help to figure out how to keep from lying again. Mom is feeling sad but she’s talking to people who are helping her feel better, too.”

There are a number of important considerations when talking with a child about a parent’s sex addiction. Stay tuned for another blog post dedicated specifically to this topic.

What questions do you have about recovery from sex addiction? What has helped you?