Trauma Among Partners of Sex Addicts

By Marty Simpson Revell, MA, CSAT –II, Addiction Specialist

You didn’t cause your partner’s sex addiction, but there’s no question your life has been turned upside down because of it. Partners often describe feeling lost, angry, horrified, inconsolable, and worried for their own health and the well-being of their family after finding out about their spouse’s sexual addiction. There’s no question that this may be one of the darkest times in your life.

The moment of discovery or disclosure of a partner’s sex addiction can spark a chain of traumatic experiences that are strikingly similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Whereas a war veteran may experience a life-threatening incident, for the partner of a sex addict life as they know it has been threatened. The partners we work with at the Sexual Recovery Institute often meet the majority of the diagnostic criteria for PTSD, including:

• Re-experiencing the traumatic event through flashbacks, nightmares or distress when reminded of the event (e.g., being distressed by the appearance of a redheaded woman in a movie if their partner acted out with a redheaded woman)
• Physical symptoms when reminded of the event, such as anxiety, nausea, sweating and tension
• Efforts to avoid people, places, feelings and activities associated with the trauma (e.g., avoiding a social gathering where people might know about a partner’s sex addiction)
• Diminished interest in previously enjoyed activities
• Feeling detached, numb, or unable to experience love or joy
• Inability to remember aspects of the event (e.g., forgetting the entire week when they found out about their partner’s sex addiction)
• A sense of foreshortened future (e.g., feeling they will never have the marriage or family life they thought they would)
• Emotional reactivity, often in the form of mood swings or angry outbursts
• Difficulty concentrating or sleeping
• Hypervigilance (e.g., compulsively checking email or a partner’s whereabouts) or being easily startled
• Impaired social or occupational functioning

Picking Up the Pieces

I lead a weekly group for spouses and partners at the Sexual Recovery Institute and have seen firsthand the immense suffering that results from sex addiction. As part of the healing process, we recommend that partners take the following steps, among others:

Self-Care. Partners cannot control the actions of their spouse, but they can control their own choices. To combat enabling and other problematic patterns, partners need to focus on their own program of recovery and self-care practices, which may include yoga, exercise classes, hobbies or reaching out to friends. Partners often benefit from attending 12-Step meetings, such as S-Anon and COSA, and seeking individual counseling.

Boundary-Setting. After a shocking betrayal, it takes time to restore a sense of safety and control. Part of recovery involves setting and holding clear boundaries, a process that helps partners develop a sense of “where you end and I begin.”

There are two main types of boundaries: physical and emotional. While physical boundaries are marked by our skin, emotional limits depend on age, roles, our relationships with those around us, our requirements for safety, and our choices about how we want to be treated.

Examples of physical boundaries include choosing:

• Who can touch me
• How and when I am touched
• How close people come to me
• When I back away from someone who invades my personal zone

Examples of emotional boundaries include:

• Setting limits on what people can say to me or how I speak to them
• Allowing healthy, safe expressions of anger but refusing to engage with people who exhibit inappropriate displays of anger
• Determining the range of personal comments I’ll accept from others and stopping sexual comments or remarks from men
  Partners must make clear which behaviors will not be accepted, and if the boundary is violated, follow through with a predetermined consequence. For example, a spouse may choose to sleep in a separate room for a period of time. If the boundary is not respected, the partner may need to take a step back from the relationship in some way.

Rebuilding Trust. At the point of discovery of a partner’s sexual addiction, words don’t mean much. After all of the lies and breaches of emotional and possibly physical safety, spouses wonder: Who is this man/woman? Do I even know him/her? If they’ve lied about this, what else are they lying about? Will I ever be able to trust again?

The process of making amends and rebuilding trust unfolds over time as the partner sees changes in the sex addicted partner. Recovery is an active process that involves fearlessly telling the truth even in the face of disapproval, going to meetings regularly, sharing feelings (even the shameful ones), and reaching out to others instead of isolating. Each of these is a sign of progress – and hope for the future.

As traumatic as it is, acknowledging the problem is the start of recovery for both partners. The sooner the partners can address the betrayal and subsequent trauma, the better their chances of finding the answers they need to decide on the future of their relationship.