I like Pornography. Does This Mean There is Something Wrong With Me?

Whether solo or within the context of a relationship, figuring out how to feel about liking pornography can be an emotional minefield or a relationship "can of worms." Man or woman, gay or straight, this topic can bring up some very strong feelings, both pro and con, and lead to uncovering very deeply held beliefs and even fears. Let’s take a closer look at some of the beliefs and concerns, and explore what "healthy viewership" might mean.

Setting the Stage

Before we can discuss pornography frankly, we must lay some groundwork in terms of exploring beliefs about sexuality. For some people, acknowledging that pleasure and enjoyment – maybe even fun or playfulness – is a key component of a healthy sexual connection may be a new or uncomfortable concept. Some people feel strongly that sex should be a certain way: perhaps only for procreation, maybe only between men and women, etc. Before confronting beliefs about pornography, facing your feelings, beliefs, prejudices and even fears about sexuality more generally will be important.

Let’s start from some basic ideas: 1) that enjoying sex is good, and 2) that seeking to increase or enhance pleasure is also good, as long as it does not harm you or anyone else. If we start by agreeing on these two concepts, then exploring the "ok-ness" of enjoying pornography can make more sense.

Male and Female, Eyes and Brains

Back in the old days (pre-Internet), a very simple study regarding pornography would be fairly easy to undertake: count up all the different magazine depicting images or women (intended for a male viewership) and then count all the magazines showing images of men (ostensibly intended for women, but perhaps also intended for gay men). Not exactly an even split, is it? The proliferation of images of women available for male viewing speaks to a fundamental different between men and women: male eyes have a different relationship to male brains. Speaking very generally, and with no judgment, men are more visually stimulated than women. Exceptions occur, but if women were as stimulated by visual images, the market would prevail and there would be the same number of magazines aimed at a female viewership.

So what does this mean? Again, very generally, this means that men like to look. Looking is "good" for men – perhaps exciting, perhaps stimulating, or perhaps simply the spark that sets off a fantasy. Women also like to look, albeit to a lesser degree. It would seem that women like to create (or read/watch) a story or fantasy and that while arousal can happen for men exclusively from looking, arousal for women happens not so much from looking, but from the unfolding of an exciting story.

Fantasy versus Reality

But looking is not the same as doing, and this is key. Fantasy should not be equated with reality, even in a "potential" way. That is to say, if someone enjoys looking at images involving snowstorms, igloos, and lots of animal furs, but they live in Miami, this does not mean that they might actually engage in their fantasy acts if they ever moved to Alaska! Fantasy is appealing in part because it is fantastic and unreal. This removes any threat of performance problems, belching at the wrong moment, or any other mood killing but completely real and human flaw. Fantasies can be perfect.

Fantasies are what happen after looking, and they are as varied and as "tame" or as "wild" as they are individual. They are a completely private experience unless sharing them is a safe and mutually exciting or fulfilling part of your sexual connection with your partner. Fantasies, even if they contain violence or aspects of sexuality that you might find repugnant in reality, are a normal, healthy, and expectable part of sexuality.

When is Looking a Problem?

So when does enjoyment of pornography turn into addiction? How can you know if you do have a problem?

Consider the following to be danger signs:

• If you prefer the computer/magazines/films to human contact
• If you neglect food, sleep, work, or using the bathroom in order to continue your porn activities
• If you find yourself lying to your partner about your porn activities (e.g. lying about time spent or money spent)
• If you feel bad about your porn activities (shame, guilt, remorse) and then continue to engage in them
• If others (your partner or your boss) express concern about your porn activities
• If you have gotten into trouble (suspended from work or lost a job) due to engaging in viewing during work hours

While it may sound like that stereotypical therapist question, it is a relevant one to ask: how do you feel about what you are doing? In your heart of hearts or deep in your gut, how do you feel? If you are out of control, or crossing a line beyond which you feel comfortable or safe, tell a trusted friend, a therapist, family member or someone you can rely upon for support. Ask for help and commit to moving through challenges into a greater understanding of yourself.