Abandonment, Abuse and Sex Addiction

Sex addiction, a condition often as hard or harder to break than cocaine or heroin addiction, baffles its victims — both the addict and his or her loved ones. How can an individual be so obsessed with and so compelled by sex, even to the point of the destruction of self and one’s personal relationships? Where is the line between genuinely enjoying sex and having an addiction? What are the root causes?

Sex is, under normal circumstances, a highly pleasurable activity and it is certainly not uncommon for people to enjoy it quite a lot, and to be motivated to have sex frequently. While levels of desire will vary among individuals, a person with a healthy sex drive and functional sexuality is going to naturally desire sex.

Sex addiction comes into the conversation when the desire for sex becomes an irrepressible and irresistible need. The desire is no longer for the shared experience of physical love and emotional intimacy with a partner, but for the drug-like high that comes from the sex act itself, which, in many cases, may be intensified and heightened in the mind and body of the addict as compared to non-addicts. The addict may not care if the sex is with a committed partner or not, and, in many cases, will come to crave sex with someone who is specifically not a committed partner—porn, cybersex, prostitutes, strippers, and one-night stands become more appealing as they allow for sexual release in the absence of an emotional connection and without the possibility of rejection.

And this is the heart of sex addiction: the overwhelming desire for sex in the total absence of relationship, intimacy or emotional bond — no strings, no commitments, no vulnerability.

For the non-addict, emotional intimacy and vulnerability in sex are not seen as the enemies. Sexual intercourse is a blend of both emotional and physical components. Physical pleasure is part of the equation, but it is only a part. There is sharing, generosity and an intimate knowing of the other person.

For the addict, however, this kind of holistic connection is terrorizing and has the potential to shut down his or her ability to respond sexually at all. This presents a dilemma. Though the addict wants sex desperately, it is impossible given the required emotional commitment and risk so they seek another, “safer” avenue for release. In today’s modern technological climate, the remedy often comes rapidly with just the click of the mouse or a visit to an online chat room.

Once addicts find that they can achieve the sexual “fix” without the impossible burden of vulnerability, a switch is flipped that is not easy to reverse. There is, in this experience, an actual alteration in the chemistry of the brain that releases high levels of pleasure-inducing chemicals and hormones. This feeding of the brain’s reward center is what the addict begins to crave.

But what causes an addict to desire sex without intimacy? The answer to this question will vary, but statistics among sex addicts suggest two overwhelming contributors: abandonment, abuse or both.

The inability to form intimate relationships is often the product of abandonment, which is essentially a lack of proper attachment and bonding in early primary childhood relationships—particularly between one or both of the parents and the child. Many addicts do not realize that their adult behavior is the direct result of childhood experiences and dysfunctional family relationship patterns that they may not even remember or recognize.

When parent and child do not properly attach or bond, the child does not learn trust or security in relationships. This arrested emotional development carries into adulthood. Put simply, this inability to understand or form proper relational bonds causes the addict to desire the bond that the physical act of sex offers because it feels good and promises to meet the deep, unspoken emotional longing. However, following the act of sex or engagement with pornography, the addict is left feeling still empty and emotionally unfulfilled. The ability to form the kinds of emotional bonds that make committed sex fulfilling has never been properly developed in the addict.

For many sex addicts, the root of the addiction is childhood or adolescent sexual abuse. Again, emotional intimacy, respect, and care were forced out of the picture as the abuser sexually exploited the child for personal pleasure and fulfillment. It is not hard to see how childhood sexual abuse would lead an adult to eschew emotional intimacy and relationships of trust in favor of no-strings-attached sexual release.

In both cases, intense therapy and healing are needed to recover from the wounds of sexual abuse and the childhood relational failures. It is possible to recover from sex addiction and to learn how to form healthy bonds of trust and intimacy with sexual partners. But any treatment approach that does not look at the wounds of abandonment and abuse inflicted during the addict’s childhood is unlikely to result in long-term sexual sobriety.