Older Man, Younger Woman, and the Sex Addiction Link

In a society in which second and even third marriages are not uncommon, there is the opportunity to be ever “upgrading” and continually seeking a partner who is a little less this and a little more that as we strive to meet our personal needs and preferences. And for many, especially older men, that means someone a little less old and perhaps, actually, a lot less old.

The phenomenon is not all that perplexing. As people age, especially in cultures such as ours in which the natural process of growing older is something to be slowed, reversed, or avoided altogether, people seek ways to keep themselves feeling and appearing young. For an older man, a younger woman can offer a sort of fountain of youth. While most women his age are slowing down and enjoying the quiet, but satisfying comforts of grandchildren, mature love and simple nights at home, the young woman is flash and excitement and late nights and energetic sex. She’s also a swell piece of arm candy, enforcing to both the man and to his peers and even his younger counterparts that he is still virile and vital and of worth and value.

But concern arises around the health of relationships based on these subconscious (or even conscious) motives, and the possibility that sex addiction and aversion to emotional intimacy may fuel the pursuit of the much younger woman. Being from different generations, how much can the partners hope to have in common? Or is it that the male is looking for a devotee, preferably one who is fresh and baggage-free? Can an age gulf also help to ensure an emotional gulf that protects against vulnerability? In many cases, it may simply be the good sex. And if the man is a sex addict, this is all the more alluring.

Let it not be said that the psychological issues of the male are the only ones in question. The young woman must have her own reasons for seeking not a peer, but a partner closer to the age of her parents. What does this indicate about her and is it necessarily a concern? If the young woman is, for example, exceedingly mature and/or intelligent, she may find herself easily bored with men her age. She may also be rejecting the porn-like standards of bodily perfection often imposed by the younger set. In these cases, dating a much older man and skipping the 20s and 30s dating pool is not necessarily indicative of a problem. However, these are not always the motivating factors and even if they are, it still may not be a wise choice.

The woman may be attracted to the man’s maturity as the man is attracted to her youth, but there is, in such a large age difference, often a significant absence of shared experience and a lack of common ground. It cannot be an entirely equal relationship and the potential imbalance of power, money and experience can be detrimental. This differential can also place the woman in the position of feeling she owes sex. And as exciting and mature as the older man may appear to the young woman, she may later find his age to hamper her own still-young energy which will inevitably surpass his. His age may become a burden as he gets older and the novelty and thrill of the relationship wear off. At that point, the woman may just find him boring.

Perhaps the woman also has a need to be deified, put on a pedestal, and provided for. She may neglect her own capacity for establishing and providing for herself by seeking after an older man who is sure to be able to do so. She may desire the financial security of an established and successful man over the comparatively new careers and entry-level positions of men her own age. Dating a much older man may also make a younger, but beginning-to-age woman feel younger as well. After all, she’s still young when compared to the much older man.

Is this real love or is it fantasy? Is it intimacy or the intentional avoidance of it?

People enter into relationships for a variety of reasons and while we all desire a relationship of love and belonging, those qualities will never be what motivate all romantic liaisons. While a span of 20 or 30 years may be unconventional, is it wrong? There is no definitive answer to that question. Though both partners are likely to get some backlash from family and friends as these relationships are generally suspect across modern society, in the end the couple must decide if the cross-generational romance is healthy for both of them and if it fulfills  what they are looking for in the relationship.