More Than a Cheating Heart: What to Do When Your Husband Refuses Help for Sex Addiction

Bitter, depressed, betrayed, anxious, and fearful, feeling unloved and unlovable – all these and more are the province of the wife whose husband has sex addiction and refuses help for it. That is, it’s this way for most women. Some may feel nothing at all, having lost or deadened their emotions as a way of coping.

For many women in such a situation, the outlet for coping is drugs or alcohol. But that is not only a dead-end in and of itself, it’s also a sure path to your own form of addiction.

So what can you do when your husband emphatically refuses to get help for his sexual addiction? Actually, there are more things that you can do than you think.

But you’ve already taken the first step. You’re reading this article. Hopefully, you’ll find something helpful here.

Recognize that His Sexual Addiction is Not Your Fault

Amazingly enough, when a husband is a sex addict, in a great number of cases it’s the wife who shoulders the blame. You think that it must be because you’re no longer physically appealing, or that you don’t give your spouse enough enjoyment or that the attraction died out a long time ago. Maybe you blame yourself because you paid more attention to the children than to your husband’s needs for intimacy. Maybe you weren’t vocal enough or didn’t initiate sexual activity enough.

Maybe, maybe, maybe… Well, guess what? All of that is a lot of hooey. You’re absolutely not to blame for the fact that your husband is addicted to sex. And it doesn’t matter if the type of sexual addiction he has is Internet porn, pornographic tapes, casual sex, multiple affairs, or any other type of sex that he has without you. Get it in your mind right now and put an exclamation point behind the fact that it isn’t your fault!

Understand that You Can’t Make Him Change

Another critical point to try to absorb is that you can’t make your husband change. No matter how much you beg and plead and threaten and try to rationalize, your husband won’t go into rehab for addiction to sex – unless and until he decides to do it on his own. Well, there is another way, but hopefully it hasn’t come to that in your family. Your husband could be ordered by the court into rehab for addiction to sex, alcohol or drug abuse – if he’s been arrested and this is one of the court’s options precluding sentencing to jail.

Will someone who’s addicted to sex just wake up and put himself (or herself, since there are also women who are sex addicts) into rehab? Generally, the answer is no. It may take losing everything, or the threat of losing everything such as home, family, job, standing in the community, going to jail, before a person faces up to the truth about his behavior – and makes the decision that maybe treatment could do some good. Even then, some won’t complete treatment, leaving halfway through or quitting just before the end. There are some painful discoveries he’ll have to make in rehab, and not everyone is thoroughly committed to doing the work it takes to overcome the addiction.

He may not even want to give up his addiction to sex. Oh, he’ll promise to do better, to cut down or cut out what he’s doing (Internet porn, pornographic tapes, frequenting prostitutes, having casual sex, engaging in multiple affairs, and so on). But when it comes right down to it, he’ll probably go right back to his compulsive sexual behavior in a very short period of time.

Is it hopeless to encourage your husband to get treatment to overcome his sex addiction? No, of course not. In fact, you should encourage rehab. Just don’t harp on the issue or make it an ultimatum. If his whole heart isn’t in it, it may not be the right time for him. Then again, who knows? He may decide to do what you ask and seek treatment and even get something out of it. Just recognize that you can’t force him to go and you can’t make him want to go.

He has to do it of his own volition (unless he’s ordered to rehab by the court).

Find Someone You Can Trust to Talk With

Right now you’re probably confused, embarrassed, filled with myriad emotions – none of which are very productive. This isn’t something you should shoulder alone, and it’s true that you do need someone you can trust to discuss this situation with.

Be cautious about who you share this information with, however. It could come back to bite you. Let’s say you’re a young wife and you turn to your parents, particularly your mother, with whom you have a very close relationship. Naturally, your mother wants to protect you and will likely be horrified to learn of your husband’s sex addiction. Many people are totally floored by the knowledge of any type of addiction, and sexual addiction seems to have even more of a stigma. Sure, your mother could be comforting and understanding, but after you’ve spilled out the story, think about the ramifications. How will your telling your mother do anything to help the situation? It may make it worse in the sense that your mother will now hold something against your husband, be disapproving of him in words and actions, and cause an even bigger rift between you and your husband. And don’t think that your father won’t learn of it as well. Your mother will telegraph it as surely as night follows day.

A close friend may be somewhat removed from the day-to-day interaction with your husband and family, but there’s still danger in discussing such explosive information with another.

Who, then, can you talk with that you can trust? You could seek professional counseling. That’s one way that you’re sure to have unbiased and objective, professional help to assist you in dealing with your emotions.

Why concentrate on your emotions when it’s your husband that’s a sex addict? The reason is that you need to heal yourself in order to be able to move forward with your life, whatever path that ultimately takes.

Depression doesn’t just go away. Neither do feelings of inadequacy, loss or lack of self-esteem, self-respect or self-confidence. If you have buried you unhappiness so deep that you’ve begun drinking to cope with the pain, you have a lot of work to do to come out of your own state of denial.

Think of this as going to the doctor when you’re ill. You need help and help is available through professional counseling. There’s no fear that anything you say will go beyond the session. Of that you can be absolutely confident.

Seek Support in Self-Help Groups

Your husband won’t go for treatment to overcome his sexual addiction. While that’s not going to help his addiction in any way, shape or form, there is something that you can do for yourself in the meantime. Maybe at some point, your husband will decide that it’s worth looking into to go into some type of rehab for sex addiction. Then again, maybe not.

There are self-help groups that have been formed for the loved ones and close friends of those with sex addiction. But first, it’s important for you to understand that these 12-step self-help groups for the family members and those who are affected by someone else’s sex addiction are not therapy groups. They don’t give you advice or tell you what to do. Instead, through sharing of personal experiences and relaying accounts of hope and discovery, you are encouraged to find your own path.

Similarly, no one is going to tell you to leave your husband. That’s not what these self-help groups are all about. So, if you’re worried that others are going to say that you’re better off leaving the guy or kicking him out, put your mind at rest. Having said that, however, there’s so much benefit that you can get from participating in these 12-step fellowships that you should really give them a try. If nothing else, at least attend a few meetings. Mix them up and go to different meeting locations. See if you feel comfortable in one. You won’t be losing anything by checking it out.

S-Anon International Family Groups

This is a program of recovery for those who have been affected by someone else’s sexual behavior. Note that S-Anon is a 12-Step group based on the 12-Steps and 12-Principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. Specifically what S-Anon is: a fellowship of men and women – friends and relatives of sexually addicted people – who get together and share their experience, strength and hope so that they can solve their common problems. There are no dues, no membership fees, and participation is completely anonymous. According to the site, the primary purpose of the fellowship is “to recover from the effects upon us of another person’s sexaholism and to help the family and friends of sexaholics.”

You might wonder if S-Anon is right for you. The site has a quick 23-question checklist that you can go through that may be helpful in making your decision. The key point to remember is that you can find help in S-Anon – whether or not your husband seeks recovery from sexual addiction.

Check the meeting locations to find where S-Anon meetings are held in your area. Besides the United States, there are meeting locations in Australia, Canada, Germany, Austria, New Zealand, Poland, Sweden and the United Kingdom.

COSA

This is another 12-step self-help group that you may find beneficial to attend. It is a self-help program for those whose lives have been affected by someone else’s compulsive sexual behavior. As the site states, you can find hope in COSA whether or not a sexually addicted person is currently in your life. How you start to find hope is by reaching out. It’s through this process that your recovery begins.

COSA has face-to-face meetings and you can use their meeting search function to find a meeting in your area. There are also COSA Telemeetings , online message boards, and special teleconferences.

As with all 12-step self-help groups, participation in COSA is anonymous, there are no dues or fees (contributions are greatly appreciated), and the only requirement to join is a sincere desire to heal from the effects of another person’s addiction (in this case, sexual addiction).

Be Willing to Learn and Grow – For You

Yes, the fact that you’ve discovered or know that your husband has a sex addiction can be crushing. It’s a blow to your very emotional core, no doubt about it. But this does not mean that you are any less of a person just because your spouse has this addiction. Far from it, in fact.

Still, it would be very unhealthy for you to just accept the situation as it is and try to go on with your life without getting any help for yourself. That’s right. You need help. Addiction, when left untreated, only gets progressively worse. That’s the nature of the disease of addiction. Since you can’t force your husband to get help and you can’t make him want to go for treatment, what you can do is focus on you and your needs.

This may mean that you take some classes at a community college or go back to school to learn something you’ve always been interested in but never had time to check out. Maybe you volunteer locally or get a job, change jobs, take up various hobbies or engage in recreational activities.

Learning how to do something new, meeting new friends, trying new things – all help you to grow. And you need to grow, to help yourself step outside the confines of the relationship that has become so burdensome because of your husband’s sex addiction. This doesn’t mean to imply or suggest that you leave your husband or ask him to leave. Only you can make that decision. You may decide that it’s in the best interest for you and your children (if you have any) to be separated from your husband (their father, or stepfather). You may decide that, especially if he does ultimately go for treatment, that you will stand by him. You may vacillate between the two choices as well, depending on how things are going.

What’s most important here is doing what is within your power, and that is concentrating on your own healing. It is a huge step that you’ll be taking, one that will empower you and give you the strength to keep on learning and growing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. We go around one time here. Shouldn’t we make the best use of our lives and our talents during the time we have? Instead of waiting around for something to happen – like your husband to miraculously just get over his sexual addiction – do what you can to fill your life with happiness and joy. It is possible. And you do deserve it. All you need to do is get out there and take action.