Advice for Dealing With a Spouse’s Sex Addiction – Part 2
Continued from Advice for Dealing with a Spouse’s Sex Addiction – Part 1.
This Is Bondage
If there is one phrase the spouse of a sex addict must continually run through his or her mind it is: “This is not about me.” Addiction is not personal, it is not malicious and it is not a product of your failings. It is bondage. Sex addicts are enslaved to something beyond their control. They genuinely cannot stop. And many do not act out their sex addictions with pleasure or enjoyment; they come to hate everything related to their disease. But the compulsion denies them the power to say no.
As painful as the effects of the disease may be to your personally, and as angry as you may feel, your spouse desperately needs your compassion and love—though he may not seem at all lovable or deserving of compassion. Try to remember that he is deeply and painfully ill and that he would stop if he could.
Detach From the Illness
Your feelings might try to tell you that this is somehow your fault. You may begin to question your attractiveness, your sex appeal and your sense of self worth. You will wonder how your spouse could love you so little as to betray you. Stop.
Sex addiction is an illness, much like cancer or diabetes. While it is not completely free of personal responsibility, sex addiction is not a choice the addict makes. Addicts do not pursue it as a way of punishing or trying to hurt a spouse. You must see the disease for what it is—an illness that is claiming your spouse against his or her will, not an act of emotional violence against you.
Your spouse may try to make this about you, your personal failings or mistakes that have been made in the relationship. But this is the language of delusion and denial. Addicts who are still in denial are unwilling to admit the real nature of the disease or to take responsibility for their part in it. It isn’t about you. There is nothing you could have done differently.
Get Help
No one enters marriage with an instruction booklet for handling things like mental illness, adultery or addiction. You cannot be expected to know exactly what to do in this situation.
Many relationships in which one or both partners are addicts involve a level of co-dependency and a lack of proper boundaries. For those who have perhaps lived for many years in cycles of manipulation and addiction, it will be hard to know where to begin to draw proper, loving boundaries. Professional counseling or programs like Al-Anon or Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA) can be instrumental in helping a non-addict spouse properly detach from the addiction. These programs also provide education on the nature of addiction, not to mention the support of many people who have “been there.”
The stigma and shame attached to sex addiction often impedes addicts and their spouses from getting help. For the sake of your sanity and your marriage, you must push past the inclination to keep the problem quiet. As the Alcoholics Anonymous adage goes, “We are only as sick as our secrets.”
Forgiveness Is Possible
A spouse’s sex addiction is not an immediate death sentence for a marriage. Many couples have successfully worked through the issue and the pain and gone on to have loving, healthy, trusting marriages. The same can be true for you. With the help of a recovery program and a plan for continuing to honestly work through the issues you face, it is possible for your marriage to recover from sex addiction.
No Excuses or Half Measures
Not every story has a happy ending, however. If your spouse is in denial or is reluctant to seek or accept help, you may have to make some difficult decisions about your marriage.
Be wary of an addict spouse who claims that he or she is getting the addiction under control without help. Sex addiction is a deep network of weeds below the surface. Plucking the visible leaves is a short-term measure and will not address the deep, underlying roots of addiction. For this, the help of a professional counselor and an ongoing recovery program, such as Sexaholics Anonymous, is required. For your own sanity, you must accept nothing less.